Welcoming Death
by LoulouFe07
Summary: It hurts ...but don't let you ...Chapter 14 is up Please review-it's my birthday...
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy or Angel never will …so don't assume otherwise.

**_Timeline: after the end of this season of both shows.  6/3._**

**_A/N: I know that I have been out for a while and that some of you are waiting for me to finish my other stories and here I am starting with another …I promise to resume the others as soon as my PC is back online.  So I hope you enjoy!!! @_@_**

**Welcoming Death**:

"Angel and Cordy are so good together.  I mean she has really turn him into a different guy.  I mean he smiles and laughs and even tell jokes, you would not recognize him"

 It angers me to hear that.  Why? Why did it have to happen this way? I mean I know I am being selfish when I say that, but I have to.  I have to let it out.  " Why her and not me?" " what did she have that I did not to make him be by her side and not by my side.  They proclaimed her a warrior and I have to admit maybe in some twisted way she has become one.  But why did he have to fall for her? Why now that I finally had the courage to face the fact that I loved him still and that I wanted to tell him that I was wrong, that I did not want normal if that meant that I could not have him.  I had lived in the light and sunshine that he had wanted me to be in, but nothing was the same if he was not by my side, if I could not share it with him. My champion. My love.  With him I did not have to be the strong one, I could be weak.  I wasn't Buffy the Vampire Slayer I was just Buffy.  In his arms, I could forget that they were things that went bump in the night and it was okay to feel and smile with no pretense.  But no!! I am not going to get the chance at love.  The Powers gave him someone else, A girl that I cannot hate, that I cannot despise because she did not ask for it.  It just happened. I can only hate myself, my stubbornness and that little voice inside of me that came too late. 

            Now here I am sitting on a stool in my kitchen hearing my friends tell me how great Cordy and Angel are together.  How happy they looked and that how much they are disappointed I had not come to their party.  I give them all a fake smile. I am use to doing that.  They don't need to know that I am in pain.  That I cannot believe that Angel was really gone from my life that he had moved on and that he could be happy without me.  " Stop being selfish" cries that little voice inside me. 

"I am happy for them" I say to my so-called friends. Who am I kidding? only me, I am devastated.  Cordy is a warrior for the Powers of Good or whatever their names is, and she helps Angel, and they are in love. IN LOVE.  They are getting married …Hand fasted.  Or whatever that is.  But right now all that is registering is that it is not me.  That it was not me who got him to smile, that got him to be more human.  I was not part of his life and that I will never be. 

I look at my friends and how happy they seem.  Xander is holding Willow's hand.  They are smiling at one another oblivious to the fact that I am raging inside but that does not surprise me. It would not be the first time. They are completing each other sentences.  They don't know it yet but they are falling for each other.  And I envy them for a few seconds.  And as usual I don't let them now what I am thinking instead I smile at them nodding as if I hear what there are talking about.  I am to wrap up in my sorrow to listen …Wrapped up in appearing cheerful and happy to the rest of the world.  

            I don't even notice when they take their leave.  All I know that darkness has come, and I am still sitting on the stool.  I don't have enough stamina to go turn on the light.  I am just sitting there wallowed in my self-pity.  

            I have nothing. Dawn is at a friend for the weekend, so I am all alone. Alone as usual.  I am the slayer, a killer. And I am all by myself.  Spike is gone to discover himself and I am here sitting finally having realized that I have lost the one thing I thought would be permanent.  I thought that no matter what we would be together or at least I never let myself think about it . 

            I finally decide to go up to my room, a shrine to my youth, my life, a place where I use to dream of a future with a certain vampire.  It will never happen.  I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling.  My cheeks are wet.  Oh treacherous body of mine! I am crying.  I don't even remember how it started. But all I can think of is he.  Oh Angel, Why? What does she have that I don't? Why her? Why not me? It sounds so silly in my head those complaints. I am an adult and here I am crying like a baby over something that probably was never meant to be. 

            " Than why give me hopes, said a little voice in my head, why give me hope that we could be, why send me dreams of us together eating ice cream, making love, smiling, sparring together if it was all futile, irrelevant, Why keep me hoping?"  

            I am tired of this.  I am tired of regretting, of not saying anything of keeping everything all walled up inside of me.  It is time that I tell them how unfair this is.  But life is never fair.  I never asked to be a slayer but I became one, I never asked to be alone but it seems that it is all I will ever be: Because the Powers said so.  The Powers had decided to make me their warrior, they had decided to send Angel as a guide to me, They had decided that I should send him to hell, and than I would have him comeback to me only for short while, they had decided to keep us apart on different quest and now they had decided to get a new Champion, a new girl, and this one he was allowed to love.  They had decided that Angel and I were not meant to be, that we were not good together.   " WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK THEY ARE!!!!" I am startled by my one voice.  I did not think I was talking out loud, but no one is here to listen to my tirade anyway, and talking about this is making me feel good, better than I have felt in months.   I know what I have to do.  I have to go to the Powers and stop this. I want to have another chance with Angel; I want to be with him at least on more time.  I don't care if he has a son and that he is in love and happy with Cordelia, I want my turn of happiness. I want to be with my Angel!!!

                        ***

            Okay so where is this getting me, I am in my car heading towards, driving in LA. I don't have a plan, am I going to bust in their apartment and tell Cordelia to hand over my man.  Do I even have the right? I am breaking up a family because the world is unfair.   No that is so childish.  I am 22 years old not a baby and Angel is not a toy.  He is a person. A person that I have loved since the first day I laid eyes on him.  Could I do that? Destroy a couple because I am having a lapse of judgment. Do that because Buffy wants it.  That is not how the world works I know that.  I can't just take what I want.  I have to earn it!  

            I stopped the car realizing suddenly why I was alone.  Why she had him and not me.  She had earned his love. I had not.  I had taking it for granted.  I had thought of it as my due.  Why not, I was fighting for the Powers, So was Angel, why couldn't we not be together forever.  But as usual Buffy you were wrong and to top it all you had been arrogant enough to think that he was yours and that he belong to you, You had had you r fun with other people thinking that no matter what he would be there.  Well now, poop on you Buffy!  I stifle a small cry.  I need a drink. 

            I look around me to see if there is no bar around and I smile when a sign catches my eye.  CARITAS. This place will do.  I get out of my car and walk straight towards the door.  When I enter I can feel the eyes looking at me scanning me, boring into me. Was it my clothes, I gave a glanced down, tight leather pants and black t-shirt.  My favorite slaying clothes, tight and making me look good. Top it all off, I have on an oversized leather jacket, his jacket.  Than I notice that the crowd is very mixed and I don't mean in races.  In all the bars I could have chosen, I had to pick the one full of demons.  

But I am not looking for a fight; I just want to forget that right now I am feeling kind of low. That Queen B is all alone while Queen C has a little family with my man.

            A red eyed, green skinned demon comes up to me smiling. I have seen him before but right now I don't remember when or where.  He looks harmless, don't they all do?  What is he so happy about? Grumpy aren't we, Buffy.  Wow! I just noticed that I have been referring to myself as if I was someone else.  Who knows, maybe there are two Buffys in this body. One that is telling me to get the hell out of here and the other thinking that drinking is a great solution to her problems.

 I have never been one to listen to good Buffy, so I just shrug her away, ignore the Host and ask the bartender to give me the strongest thing he has in the house. The Green skin guy looks at me with disapproval but you know I don't give a f.ck what he thinks.  I tell the bartender that I do not want to see this glass empty than I just drink everything and wait for the bartender to refill it.

            I am to absorbed in my self pity, that I don't even notice the "host" leave my side and go make a phone call in the back, and even if I notice why should I care. I am such a pathetic excuse for a warrior.  "I was killed twice you know.  But I am still here.  And I can't even hold my liquor", I found myself telling the bartender.  

            I know that everyone at the bar is looking at me.  Some must be thinking is that the Slayer we heard so much about.  The one whose name we fear.  She is just some little bit of a woman.  "We could take her, kill her." No Buffy that are your thoughts said that voice inside of me.  Drats you are real bummer says another.

            Than I notice the stage and OH! A karaoke machine! I leave my stool by the bar and stumble more than walk towards the contraption.  I mostly slur to the DJ that I want to sing, "Wherever you will go" by the Calling. The guy nods at me.  I go on stage and let the music fill me.  The thought that I am not that good of a singer races through my mind but who cares.  I wait till the words appear on the screen and I start:

"So lately, I've been wondering  
who will be there to take my place   
When I'm gone, you'll need love  
To light the shadows on your face  
If a great wave should fall  
It would fall upon us all  
And between the sand and stone  
Could you make it on your own  
  
If I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go  
  
And maybe, I'll find out  
The way to make it back someday  
To watch you, to guide you  
Through the darkest of your days  
If a great wave should fall  
It would fall upon us all  
Well I hope there's someone out there  
Who can bring me back to you  
  
If I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go  
  
Runaway with my heart  
Runaway with my hope  
Runaway with my love  
  
I know now, just quite how  
My life and love might still go on  
In your heart and your mind  
I'll stay with you for all of time  
  
If I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go  
  
If I could turn back time  
I'll go wherever you will go  
If I could make you mine  
I'll go wherever you will go"

As the last word is coming out of my lips the little red-eyed monster picks me up and leads me to the back of the bar. I don't fight him.  I feel exhausted, drained.  The song was too sad.  To true, and I wish I had said to a certain someone, that I would have gone wherever he would go, that I would have made him mine. That without him I was lost and that I had been stupid to let him go, I am such a stubborn girl, no woman and that screw the Powers they were meant to be.   

I am crying again.  Lorne hands me a handkerchief.  I knew he looked familiar to me but I was too occupied being grumpy and drunk Buffy to have noticed.  He was one of Angel's friends.  I notice than that he is talking to me and I try to focus on his words.

" Kitten, you should not drink so much you will self destruct.  Anyway sweetie, I see so much pain in your soul. You have to let it go."  

" Why should he have her and not me? I can't believe I said that out loud.  Is he not a friend of the couple? I remember that he reads Aura's so he know what I am thinking, especially when I have sang. Buffy, you are so stupid.  You came to the wrong bar to make a fool of yourself.

But he just looks at me with kindness or is it pity, I am not sure and all I can think of is running away from that green skinned man who knows how I feel, how I cry because I think the world is unfair.   I want Angel for me.  Lorne knows that I am letting myself act like a teenager instead of the sensible woman that I should have become or that I pretend that I am everyday.  So I get up and run for the exit.  I have made enough of a spectacle of myself. I should go home. In the solitude of my house in Revello drive  

I am half expecting him to stop me.  But he does not.  I am outside breathing fresh air in less than a few seconds.  The air is not as fresh as I would like it.  A bracchen demon is standing in my way fouling the air around me.

"Slayer!!! He hisses.  I really don't need this I think to myself.  But I never get what I want, do I? The Demon standing between my car, and me is about 4 feet taller than me with glistening skin.  He reminds me of a big jellyfish with legs, fangs and claws.  In other words, Butt Ugly! 

" Listen Foul mouth, why don't you go your way and I go mine.  I am not in the mood for this." He growls at me and I think that maybe the name calling was not a good idea, but I was never good at thinking, I have always been a woman of action. So I get into fighting stance and I hope that the liquor did not impair my senses to much or that because I am the slayer I am half way towards sobering up.  

"Foul mouth" lunges toward me. I am to slow to evade his huge body so I let myself fall on the floor and push him with my legs and I send him sprawling against the opposite wall.  I smile at myself.  Man I am good.  Sizzling!! Mmh! he ruined my nice boots! "It's not the time to be doing such things Buffy" reprimands my inner voice.  "Focus, go back to slayer mode."  

But I know it's too late.  That little inner talk cost me a few seconds.  I got too cocky, too soon. The bracchen demon was up and he was ready for a fight.  Boy oh boy when will I learn to keep my yap shut? "Never" answered that voice in my head, "it's part of your charm."   Bracchen charged and I jumped to slam my boots in his face but he was anticipating the move.  He swerved hi massive body and backhanded me in the face.  

Next thing I knew I was sprawled on the floor, Blood coming out of my mouth.  Great! Bracchen was coming towards me and I got up as fast as I could.  Which was kind of too slow for my own good.  The Demon was standing in front of me.  He held a sword. Where did that come from?  I rummage threw my pocket and took out my tiny stake.  But the tilt of the sword makes hard contact with my skull.  I shake my head trying to see clearly.  It does not help.  

Is this the end Buffy?  Are you going to die here in front of a bar?  Where you went to get drunk? to forget that the man you love was to be married very soon with someone that was not you.  How pathetic was that.   Very. 

" Well at least this time no one will bring you back to the misery that is your life.  But if I go that ugly, stinking, oozing demon is going with me." 

So this time I charge him.  I feel the sword pierce my skin but I go on.  That thing is not breathing one more stinking breath if I have anything to say about it.  I don't care if I die, someone else will be here to replace me but that thing who dared attack me during my self pity will see that Buffy is not something to reckon with even drunk. 

I fight with everything I got and that thing falls on the floor screeching and I know that the Slayer has done her job once again.  I am also aware of a throbbing pain in my side.  Where his sword had gone threw me.  I let myself fall on the floor.  I am so tired. I close my eyes and welcome the death that I know that is very near.  I have nothing left to fight for. I have fulfilled my duty.

  A/N: Okay so I am a bad writer …Or maybe a bad person but I am trying…I promise to fix it  …


	2. chapter 1 Angel

_Disclaimer: I do not own BTVS or Atvs If I did thing would be different, and maybe it might suck more._

_Rating:  PG-13_

_Spoilers: Anything from Season 6 BTVS and 3 Atvs.  _

**_A/n: This story is about what could happen after the season four of Angel and season 7 of Buffy.  So it is sometimes in the future so that when the new seasons begin I do not get spoiled and find myself unable to write because of that. Anyway I hope you enjoy and that you review my story.  Tchao._**

Chapter Two.  Angel's POV:

          I feel a slight tug on my left side.  As if an arrow had passed through me.  I open my eyes and get out of my bed holding on to the side that hurts. I feel an urgency to leave my home.  To get away from this place, but most of all to distance myself from the woman that lies next to me tonight. Somehow I know that if I stay next to her she will be hurt and I surely do not want to do that.   

          I put on my clothes and slip away from the house.  I do not know where I am heading but I have to go.  I hear thunder and new stab of pain on my side.  This is feeling a little to familiar to me and with that thought I know that I have to put as mush distance between my fiancée and me.  But how could this be? The Powers had said that my soul was permanent that nothing in this world could take it away from me.  So why did it feel like someone was pulling at my soul.  As if I was loosing it or at least some part of it was dying.  I had to try at least to fight this.   I could not loose it, not now, not again. Maybe there was some good explanation but what he had to do was run.  Otherwise everyone he cared for would be dead.  His demon would take out his revenge on everyone he cared for starting with his son and his future wife.  He could feel the demon raging inside of him begging to come out a play.  No, Angelus never begged he ordered.

          But where could he go.  Who could he go to know that would be able to deal with his demon?  Or help him keep his soul intact.  " Why know?" I asked myself. " I have everything I ever wanted." 

          I walk under the rain not sure where I am going but I know that I am heading in the right direction.  With every step the pain in my side is subsiding and I feel like I have better control of my demon.  After a few blocks I recognize where I am.  Caritas.  With the recognition comes another shooting pain on my side. Whatever is the cause of what is happening to me is inside of the bar.  I start to walk to the entrance and almost trip on a body on the floor.  A Bracchen demon, with a piece of wood in his eye socket, was sprawled on the floor a few steps from the door.  I jumped over it and went my way not even given the demon a second thought.  All I know that something inside of there was calling my name.

          " Angel cakes, You finally got here! Yelled Lorne as I approached the bar.  Caritas was deserted if you did not count the few people who were gathered by the stage looking at something.   Lorne took me by the arm before I even got the chance to say anything.  He was waiting for me? Did he know that I felt as if I was on the verge to loose my soul? I look at him, he was talking fast and gesticulating.  "  he looks like a green monkey in a yellow suit" I don't know where that thought comes from.  He is leading me to the place where they are gathered.  

          I can see over the shoulders of the people and the few demons there that they are looking at the body of someone. Female, with blond hair, still breathing but its very ragged, her heartbeat is faint.  

          " Did you call for an ambulance? I ask.  I feel my inside twitch.  I want to see the face of the woman.  I feel as if someone is squeezing my unbeating heart.  I hear one of the demons say:  " So that's a Slayer, Man I could have taken her?"  

          I stop.   I am not sure if I want to see this.  He said Slayer. Slayer. Blond. Slain Demon. Buffy.  Oh my god. No.  No! NO! Screams a voice inside of me.  No, that is not possible.  It can't be Buffy lying on that stage, dying.  She is in Sunnydale.  Slaying.  Alive. 

          " I am sorry Angel Cakes, We ran outside as soon as we heard the fight but she was beaten to a pulp." I push away Lorne's comforting hand.  It is her.  She looks beaten and so frail.  I walk towards her and take her hand.  I bring it to my lips and kiss her bleeding knuckles.  " How could I let this happen" I think.  " I should have been there. I should have known."  

          I stay there with her hand in my hands till the paramedics arrive to take her to the hospital.  She is still alive but barely.  I only let go of her hand so they could put her in the ambulance.  I get in the ambulance with her.  The medic says something to me about family members only but Lorne replies or me by saying that she is my wife so they could let me enter.  When I hear that it stirs something on me.  Buffy and Wife together, but I brush the thought away, the same way that I am ignoring the pain on my side and the pull on my soul.  All that matters at the moment is that Buffy stays alive. 

                                                  *          *          *

          As soon as we get to the Hospital, they take her away from me.  I feel a terrible sense of loss when her hand is not in mine.  One of the nurse approaches me and tell me that she needs to ask me a few question about my wife? I want to tell her that she is not my wife, but I keep quiet.  She gives me a look of pity.  She tells me to sit and ask me a few routine questions.  What is her name?  Buffy Summers. Where does she live? 230 Revello Drive Sunnydale.  Does she have insurance? Yes. Is she allergic to anything?  I don't know. Do I want them to call anyone to be with me? Yes.  Dawn. Willow. They need to know.  I ask them for a phone.  They show it to me. "Oh my god! I can't do this".  I dialed the number but there is no answer.  I can wait. I will call them later.

          I go sit in the waiting room.  It is an agonizing wait.  I still fill the pull on my soul but I know that I am not loosing it.  Does this have anything to do with the slayer?

          "Excuse me, Mr. Summers, the doctor would like a word with you." I look at the nurse in surprise " Mr. Summers" than I remember the lie.  They think I am her husband.  I hope she is okay. I walk up to the set of doctors.  They explain to me that her condition is stable.  Didn't they just bring her in? I look at the clock and notice that I have been here for at least 3 hours.  She is in a coma though. They don't know if she will wake up.  There is no guarantee that she will ever wake up.  If my heart could beat it would have skipped right now.  She is alive but dead at the same time.  "Is this suppose to be good news for me?" I ask myself. She might never smile, laugh, and say one of quirky puns.  What good was that for me? My Buffy was asleep.  " My Buffy where does that come from?" I ask myself.  Maybe because I thought I was going to loose her or maybe the fear of loosing my soul was making me delirious.  I wish I could think more about it but I know that I have to call the others and tell them what was going on.  


	3. chapter 2 Willow Dawn

_Disclaimer: I do not own BTVS or Atvs If I did thing would be different, and maybe it might suck more._

_Rating:  PG-13_

_Spoilers: Anything from Season 6 BTVS and 3 Atvs.  _

**_A/n: This story is about what could happen after the season four of Angel and season 7 of Buffy.  So it is sometimes in the future so that when the new seasons begin I do not get spoiled and find myself unable to write because of that. Anyway I hope you enjoy and that you review my story.  Tchao._******

**Willow's POV**

**            I can't believe this.   I can't believe this is happening.  I cannot loose someone else that I love.  Why Buffy? Why now? I left her yesterday in her kitchen.  Xander and I were laughing and we were talking about everything, about Angel and Cordelia being together.  What was she doing in LA? Why did she fight that demon? **

**            Those questions keep running through my mind as I walk towards the waiting room.  My heart feels like it is about to explode.  During the three-hour ride from the Sunnydale to The Hospital, all I could think about was that we should have been there.  That maybe we could have prevented this.  We had lost her to many times already.  **

**            I see Angel seating in the hallway. He is staring at door of room 210. Buffy's room. He turns his head when he hears Dawns muffled sob.  Xander is half carrying her half dragging her behind me.  He stands up as I get closer.  His eyes are full of sorrow.  They are blood shot and he looks beat.  I guess I must look about the same from all the tears that I shed.  I can't help the sob that escapes my lips when I hear him talk. His voice is so broken. Buffy, please wake up.  As If angel can sense that I am about to loose it, he opens his arms and holds me. If it weren't for him I would have collapsed on the floor.  I bury my face on his shirt and let out the tears that I have been holding since he called. Why? Why her? Why now?**

**            " Thank you Angel," I am able to say when the tears subside.  But he does not let go of me and for that I am grateful.  He leads me to the room.  At the beginning all I see are monitors and machines.  Than I see her.  She is all pale, As white as a corpse. Her beautiful blond hair looks like straw.  Her lips are cut and her face is all bruised. **

            "Oh my god!" exclaims Dawn behind me. I don't think it is a good idea for her to see her like that. I gesture to Xander to take her out of the room.  Xander gently leads her outside.  I get closer to the slayers bed.  I reach for her hand.  It feels cold. I know she is still alive.  Oh god I do not want to lose her again. Angel is still holding me upright and I am so grateful for his presence.

Dawn's POV:

            Being the sister of a slayer you should be prepared for the eventuality of her death, especially if she had died before.  But I am wrong.  Knowing that she had died before does not prepare me for what I seen when I enter her room.  My sister is lying in a coma just a year after she had dug herself out of her grave.  Is there no justice in this world?  Hasn't she suffered enough? I could not stay anymore in the room.  Seeing her lying there was too much.  My heart broke when Willow came and pick me up form Rachel's to tell that Buffy was at the hospital in LA.  What was she doing here anyway?  What was HE doing here? Angel was the one that had brought her here. I need to sit.  

            I pull away from Xander, but instead of sitting I walk back into the room.  Willow is still clinging on to HIM.  I can't believe her.  I look at his hand.  He is holding on to my sister.  How dare HE?  I know that I should be thinking of Buffy and of her getting better. But I can't help wondering if this is his fault.  She was fine when I had left her.  She was at home, cleaning the kitchen.  What in the world would she be doing in LA if it were not for him?  From what Willow had said she had been in a bar.  She had been drunk when she had fought the demon.  The Buffy I know does not get drunk.  She would never do that.  She was smarter than that.  Unless she was thinking of Angel.  Yes when it came to the souled vampire my sister was not the smartest tree on the block.

            No! Buffy had no reason to be unhappy.  I know that I am lying to myself.  I had seen the hurt look she had when she had found out that Angel and Cordelia were getting married.  She had acted fine in front of everyone. But I had heard her later that night; she had cried herself to sleep.  My thoughts are again on Angel.  

            I go stand next to him.  I don't say a word to him.  I have no intentions of doing such a thing. I give him a side-glance and notice that he is looking at me.  I feel myself blush.  Could he read my thoughts? Did he hear my silent accusation?

I look in his eyes and I feel ashamed of my thoughts.  His pain is written in his face.  He is suffering as much as I am. I have no right to accuse him of anything.  I get closer to him and lean my head on his shoulder, to give him a little comfort and maybe get some comfort from him.

  "Buffy, Please wake up" I hear myself whisper.   


	4. Chapter 3 Cordy

_Disclaimer: I do not own BTVS or Atvs If I did thing would be different, and maybe it might suck more._

_Rating:  this part is R, for the language._

_Spoilers: Anything from Season 6 BTVS and 3 Atvs.  _

_A/n: This story is about what could happen after the season four of Angel and season 7 of Buffy.  So it is sometimes in the future so that when the new seasons begin I do not get spoiled and find myself unable to write because of that. Anyway I hope you enjoy and that you review my story.  Tchao. _

Cordelia POV

I wish I could wake up every morning like this, Warm and Comfy. I guess it is not everyday that you feel good in your skin and that you know that in a 72 hrs and 45 min you will wed the man, no vampire of your dreams.

**I roll to Angel's side hoping to snuggle with him just a little bit more before I have to get out of bed an open the agency.  I just feel empty air. I open my eyes and sit on my bed.  Where is He?  It's morning.  I look at my watch.  9 AM, actually.  Maybe he is making me breakfast.  That is so sweet.  For someone who did not need to eat regular food Angel was a great cook, which was good for me because Queen C cannot cook.  I smile at myself it has been a while since I heard that name.  Not since Sunnydale.  **

**I need to start getting ready.  I'll meet my Angel downstairs.    Sunnydale.  We had a visit from them yesterday. It was awkward.  Seeing Willow and Xander.  I mean I knew they were coming.  I invited them but I had hope they had not come.  The slayer had been invited to and I was so relieved that she had decline the invitation.  The thought of him seeing her would have been too much for me. I know Angel loves me but I always feel a sense of insecurity when I hear him same the name Buffy.  Why should I right? He loves me.  He almost gave up his life so I could come back from my assignment as a higher being. Than why do I feel so unsure when it comes to those two?  When Willow and Xander had gotten, I could not help the side glance at Angel.  I mean the last time he had seen Willow was almost two years ago when we had come back from Pylea.  **

**I can still remember the look of utter despair on Angel's face.  The fact that when he had seen Willow he had understood as if he had felt that she had been no longer of this world.  He had screamed her name and hugged Willow.  I was afraid that seeing Willow might bring back these memories and that I would loose him.  To what? to a memory? " Get a grip Cordelia!" I said to myself, as I walk into the bathroom.**

**I think I spend too much time thinking.  But that is all I can do now that I am in the shower.  I should be deliriously happy today.  I was a few minutes ago till I started thinking about Sunnydale.  "Who would have thought that Cordelia Chase would be marrying in a few day Angel." I wonder what last name I will have, Cordelia O'Connor maybe?  I wonder if there is anything between Xander and Willow? I mean they seemed very in sync last night. Or maybe because I am happy I want everyone to be.  Wasn't because of they were so in sync that you let go of Xander? Or was it the competition between Xander's love for the Slayer and his love for Willow. I hate where my thoughts are going.  It wasn't like I was in love with him.  I am in love now.  With Angel. **

**Where is he? I can't stand waiting anymore and I am dress.  I walk out of the room he and I share.  I stop when I get in front of Connor's door.  His door is open.  I sneak a pick and notice the kid is not there.  Angel and him must be having breakfast together.  I hope that Connor has by now notice that his father loves him and that he is not mad at him for locking him in that box under the sea. Angel is so nice he forgave the kid.  I on the other hand have not. I now I should not but I can't help but think that what would have happen if Wesley had not find out what had happened to Angel and confronted Connor with the truth.   **

**Before I enter the kitchen I put on my happy smile and enter. "Hi sweetie" I cry.**

**" Hello Cordy " answer Gunn and Connor.  No Angel.  **

**"Where is Angel?" I ask. They both look at me as if I had just spoken Chinese or something.**

**"Shouldn't I ask that question?" ask Gunn popping a toast in his mouth. " Haven't seen him yet, I did notice that his car was not there?" He is not here where could he be? Buffy. Nah he doesn't know she is in town.  Or does he? I walk out of the dining room and run to Angel's office.  Maybe he got a call last night and went out to answer the call.  " "Did you not turn off the ringer of the phones last night?" says a tiny voice inside of me.  I had turn off the phones last night after Lorne had call.  **

**               I did not want to think about that call form the Host last night.  Angel and I were getting ready to have a very romantic evening in our room when the phone had ringed.  Angel was in the bathroom so I had picked up and Lorne was the one calling.  HE had been talking about the slayer being in Caritas getting drunk and that she was singing and that there had been a mistake and that Angel needed to come now to the bar.  I had told him that I would tell Angel about it as soon as possible.  When he had come out of the bathroom with his towel around his waist I had forgotten.  "Yeah keep telling yourself that!' said the voice in my head.  I had not forgotten.  I had been so happy about Angel and me together.  Why did she have to come to my town and get drunk?  I had been furious when Lorne had told me of her presence.  SO she was getting drunk, she was old enough to know the consequences. She was not a minor.  Why should my fiancée run and rescue her? Why should he leave my bed to be with her?  I had not said anything and went to bed.  What if Lorne had call back?  Cordelia you are being silly, He must just be out on an errand or something.  Maybe he went to get a gift for me. Yeah that was it, no way was he with Miss I-saved-the-world-a-thousand-time. No way.**

**               Now that I am calm and that I have convinced myself that Angel was not with Buffy.  "Hey we have some messages?" I hear gone say.  "This one is from Angel" I run outside to the front desk but what I hear freezes me on the spot. **

**               "Guys…it's me. I am at the hospital right now.  Buffy…She got hurt.  Her state is critical I'll keep you posted. I am going to stay there till Dawn, Willow and Xander come up." Gunn looks at me and comes near me. Oh my god.  He is with her? Screams one voice inside of me, while another is saying, "What have I done?" **

**               I feel Gunn's arms around me.  I want to push him away but I can't.  My brain is too busy fighting itself to make my muscle move.  I hear him comforting me. I almost want to laugh.  He thinks I am upset because the slayer I in the Hospital.  I want to scream and tell him that what I am fucking upset about is that my future husband is by the side of his ex-girlfriend.  He went to hell by her hand; he suffered a hundred years there still loving her. I was upset because he was fucking by her side.  Calm down Cordy. I hear Connor say something.  I try to focus. The teenager is asking about Buffy.  He doesn't know about her.  We never mentioned her name here while he was around.  Does she even know about him?  I think willow might have told her about it.  **

               "Maybe we should go?" ask Connor.  He is looking at me.  " Yes we should" I manage to reply.  Gunn letting go of me proposes to leave a note for Fred and Wesley to meet us there.   If Buffy thought that she could pretend to be hurt to get my man she was Fucking wrong, I thought picking my bag and walking out in the sun.


	5. Chapter 4 Buffy

It's been so long since I have been this relaxed and warm.  I don't want to leave the comfort of his arms.  I turn my head to look at the man who is holding me close.  We are at the beach watching the sunset.  I love that.

            I like this place.  The smell of the ocean, the feel of the sand between my toes, this is what heaven is made of.  I lean against his body, trying to bury myself even more in his chest.  That is where I should always be.

            "My Angel" I whisper looking in his eyes.  A small smile pulls his lip.

" Wherever you go I will follow, I love you Ionúin" I like it when he calls me beloved in his native tongue.  

" I love you" I say as I turn to face him fully.  I look at his chocolate eyes and wonder how I go on without him.  I have never loved someone as much as I love him.  Not that I have not tried to love other people.  But when it comes to him I don't think straight.  He loves me I can read it in his gaze.  He makes me feel whole; with him I am strong and weak. He is my solace.  I tip toe on my feet as I pull him down towards me for a kiss.

            "Angel!" comes a strangle voice behind me.  Who would come here? I feel him freeze in my arms as he head shoots up at the sound of the voice.

I turn around to look and it's my turn to freeze.  How did she get here this is my haven.  Her now blond hair is framing her teary eyed face.  Her white dress makes her look like an angel. She looks so hurt.  

            I feel Angels arms let go of me as he takes a few steps towards the newcomer.  He stops.  He looks at me than at her.  Indecisive. New love versus Old love.  Who will he choose?  The one he loved on sight or the one he learned to love.  His slayer or his seer. Should he choose the one who sent him to hell or the one who turned into a demon so she could be with him? 

            "Cordy!" As I hear him say that name, I feel my heart shatter.  I look at him as he walks to her.  I let myself slip on the sand as I watch him take the former May Queen in his arms.  I watch them disappear.  I hug myself.  I am alone.  Tears are flowing from my eyes as I lay myself on the sand.  I look at the sky.  Night has fallen and now I am surrounded by darkness.  I don't care.  He chose her.  I always thought that I would be able to bring him happiness.  Well I did once and it almost cost me the world.  I always that no matter what in the end we would end up together, even after I found out about Connor, I still had hoped for us. I still thought that we had a chance that our love wasn't doom, but I was wrong.  

            Angel, my angel has found someone.  Someone he loves and loves him back.  I wish him happiness.  I don't hate her. I can't she deserves to be loved and taken care of and I know that Angel can do that for her.  I wish them a happy life but I hope they can forgive me if I am not strong enough to see them be that happy. I was never one of those kids who like to share so they have to pardon me the fact that I can't take their happiness.  I really want them to be happy but I can't help wish that he were with me.  I am not strong enough to put on a happy face and drink Champaign at their wedding.  Angel and Cordy.  I refuse to pretend.  So I'll stay here.  In my haven.  Even though he is gone.  My champion, I will love you always.  


	6. Chapter 5 Angel

**_Disclaimer: Do not own them._**

**_AN:  Okay this is a new one. I am trying my best to make everyone happy out there.  I working on my spelling and grammar…I wish I had a Beta reader…Looking for one anyway.  Thanks for pointing the fact that I do make spelling mistake…I 'll try to correct that.  Again Asking for Beta readers…I know that not being a native speaker of English is not that good of an excuse because I think I make the same mistakes when I write in French which I have been doing since I was like 4 ^_^…I love the reviews I got …I got reviews, I was so happy, that I wrote at work.  But than I had to spell check than type _****_L…  _****_C'est la _****_bougre…Anway i hope you enjoy and you continue to review my febles attempt to capture the characters of BTVS and ATVS._**

_An2: Spoilers for Amends, Quotes from IWRY_

Buffy has been in a coma for five days now and I have been unable to leave her side ever since.  Not that the idea has even cross my mind.  I am so afraid that she might wake up and not find someone near her.  I know about her dislike of hospitals, even more after her ordeal with her mother.

            " Angel do you want something to drink, honey? Ask Cordy heading for the door.  She has been with me since the first day too.  Rarely leaving my side if not to go get me food or clothes.  I can tell that she is tired.  I should tell her to go home but I know she won't leave me.  She will be supportive the whole way she told me since the first day.  I postponed our wedding.  Cordy was upset, but she said she understood. I know how much she was looking forward to this, but how could we celebrate our love when one our friends was in a coma.  I know I couldn't.  I told not yet anyway.

            I answer her with a nod of my head.  I have no strength to talk.  Cordy walks out and I look back at Buffy's sleeping form.  She looks so innocent.  The swells on her face have practically disappeared.  Now she looks more like the girl that flipped me in that alley about six years ago.  I feel a pang in my heart.  I should have been there to protect her I keep thinking.  I reach for her face. Her beautiful face.  And I am startled when I feel that her cheeks are wet.  Is she in pain? It brings me back to what the doctors had told me a few days ago.

            " Mr. Summers, your wife's wounds are healing properly.  She did not suffer any brain damage; so we can conclude that her coma is self induce. She could wake up tomorrow, in a month or she might not."

            When the Doctors had told me that she was keeping herself in there, I could not believe.  I still don't.  Why would Buffy do that? She is a fighter.  I have always admired that about her.  No matter what life threw at her she always kept on.  Buffy is strong. At least the one I knew was.  The one lying on that hospital bed is a stranger to me.

            What happened to her? I wish I had kept in touch with her.  I had wanted too. Especially after she had come back from the dead.  Than Connor came into my life, I started having feelings for Cordelia, than I lost my son.  I found him again, than I spent a summer in the bottom of the ocean and when I got back I had to find Cordelia. When we did we had to get her back to normal, to the one that she used to be anyway.  All these had push thoughts of her in the background.  

            I wasn't proud of that fact.  That I hadn't kept in contact.  I wondered if this would have happen if I had been there. I wish I had known.  I know I wasn't the only one who had thought it.  I had caught Dawn's accusatory glance.  At that moment I wished that the earth could have opened and swallowed me whole. I know it was not my fault but I did feel guilty.  I don't think that I should start putting blame on people for this otherwise I am not going to like the answer. B…

            "Here sweetie," says Cordy has she comes back in and hands me a steaming cup of tea.  I look at my wife to be and my heart swells with affection.  She is always taking care of me.  I know this situation might be a little uncomfortable for her.  Who am I kidding she must hate it, but she is here.  For me.  She is my pillar nowadays but I know her Achilles heal: her doubts about my feelings for Buffy.  Truth be told, I don't know how I feel about the slayer.  She had been a big part of my life, well unlife.   Buffy is the first woman that I loved. She was the reason I had joined this fight, she had given meaning to my life.  There use to be a time where all I wanted to be was with her, fight with her, fight for her, to keep her and the world that she loves safe.  With Buffy I had felt happiness also immense sorrow.  She had made me taste cookie dough fudge mint ice cream and peanut butter.  I had spent the day I was human with her, even if it is only in my memory.

 **_Buffy:_**_ This is a dream. You're human for, like, a minute and already there's cookie dough fudge mint chip in the fridge.  
**Angel:** God, I love food.  
**Buffy:** Food is good.  
**Angel:** Why did you never tell me about chocolate and peanut butter?  
**Buffy:** Well, I figured if your vamp taste buds couldn't really savor it, then it would only hurt you to know.  
**Buffy:** By the way, I'm over the whole needing to be mature thing. That time you just spent in the kitchen? That was enough time apart.  
**Angel:** Too much.  
**Angel:** Agh, okay, mortal coordination leaving something to be desired.  
**Buffy:** Wrong, it's just right…_

I close my eyes. I haven't thought about this in ages. I shake my head.  I have to clear my head.  That was the past.  Not even, it never happened.  Anyway I have Cordy now.  I turn and look at her.  She is seating in a chair about a few feet away from me.  She is flipping a Vogue magazine.  What I have with Cordy is very different than what I had with the Slayer.  Cordy makes me feel safe and human.  We are friends as well as lovers.  I am not saying that Buffy and I were not friends.  There are still parts of me that I've revealed to Buffy that I might never reveal to Cordy.  I know that Cordy did get to meet Angelus more than once, but Buffy had to fight him and had managed to defeat me.  I have to say that my demon is still in awe of the Slayer.  I was Buffy's confidant and protector.   Buffy was one of the first to treat me as a man and forgive the action of Angelus.  When I had wanted to end it all when the First evil had been hunting me, She had tried to talk me out of it.  She had told me that living was fighting, being strong was fighting and that I was worth saving.  Why can't you do the same? I know that your life is not what you want it to be. But you can't give up.  You have to be strong! You have to live!  We are here for you.  The people that love you are waiting for you.  WE miss you. We love you…I love you.

I hear something crash behind me and I know that my last statement was out loud and not in my mind.  Danm it.  I turn and look at Cordy.  She is frozen in place as if she has seen a ghost; I move away from the sleeping form of Buffy getting closer to my fiancée.  Her eyes are wide open.  I wonder what is going on behind her beautiful brown eyes. I know that her mind is processing what she just heard.  Is she reasoning with herself?  Am I a dead vampire? I think too much. I am already dead.  Maybe it will be better if I take her home.  Better if I get away from the blond angel that is making me think of things that aren't anymore.  I take my future in my arms and I hope that what I said doesn't damage what we have. 

"Let's go home tonight, okay.  Willow will stay the night with her." She just nods. I wish she would say something.  Cordy just picks up her coat and walks in front of me.  As I am about to close the door, I take one last glance at the sleeping form. Tears are running on her cheeks again.  

TBC

**_AN: Cordy is next…._**


	7. Chapter 6 Cordy

**_Disclaimer:  Don't own them …you know it …I know it…_**

**_A/N: Teeheehee…. Love the reviews they are so many… But I still don't have answers about a beta reader.  Please guys I mean my English needs help.  I know it. So if one of you wants to get the chance to read my stories before hand and have a pretty good knowledge of syntax and grammar please help me ^_^.  _**

**_A/N2: Okay someone pointed out that I had said that Angel and Buffy were friends as well as lovers …actually I said that Cordy and Angel were friends and lovers …True Buffy always told Angel he was a vampire but she treated him like a man.  She loved him like a man loves a woman.  So I might have over generalized but good point. So read and please Review._**

Angel is holding me.  Actually he is half dragging me in the entrance of the Hyperion hotel.  I haven't said a word since we left the hospital.  I am trying to find the right words to say and at the same time I am trying to keep myself from fainting.  I guess that is the only reason I let him hold me.  Since Buffy showed up I have been afraid that she might take him away from me. And him saying that he loves her is not really helping my confidence.  

            Well so far the slayer in lala-land was doing more damage that I thought she could do awake.  I mean in five days I feel like she has created a rift between him and me.  When I had gone to the hospital, I had been furious.  What the hell was she doing here? Could she have gone somewhere else to go fulfill a death wish?  When I had seen her in that hospital room surrounded by monitors looking as white as her sheets, I had felt guilty for being mad and for not telling Angel that she had been here.  It had only lasted five seconds though because a few minutes later I had heard a doctor call my future husband "Mr. Summers." I had seen red, I had been mad but I had not said anything.  Angel had given me a panic look and had tried to explain. I had barely listened and given him my most charming smile and told him I understood which was a lie.  But he didn't get it.  He is giving me that same panic look again and I am going to lie again.  I am going to put a brave face.

            " Listen Angel, I am not mad at you.  So you don't have to look at me like this.  I am fine." I say giving him a winning smile. 

"Are you sure? " he asks me giving me a concern look.  

" I know that you told her that because you want her to wake up.  You meant a lot to each other.  I mean I was in Sunnydale when you guys were together.  I am not worried."  I look at the relief showing on his face as I say those words.  My heart aches as I see him relax.  He takes me in his arms again.  He didn't deny it.  He didn't deny that he loves her.  I mean what do I expect.  He forgave her for sending him to hell; he forgave her brandishing her human boyfriend in his face.  Is our love that strong?  Will he forgive me if I told him that I knew that the slayer had been in town?  That Lorne had call and ask him to come and get her before something happened to her.  Would he forgive me for keeping that from him? I mean how was I supposed to know that Buffy couldn't take care of herself.  She is not a child anymore.  I mean its Buffy! She is the Slayer.  She kills demons even in her sleep, even when she is sick. How was I tot know that this time she couldn't? 

            I am not going to say that I care about the slayer.  Especially not lately, not since Angel and I have been together.  Sure I resent her sometimes.  Okay more often than not.  I also respect her.  I know that I might not have survived high school if it wasn't for her. I met Angel because of her.  When I had seen him in L.A.  I had gone to him because he was a connection to home and I know that he tolerated me than because I was a friend hers.  Well that I used to hang out with her.  Ironic that what had brought us together a few years ago would be what might be bringing us apart.  

            Angel has let go of me now and he is looking at something at the lobby desk.  I walk next to him to see what he is looking at.  It's a not from Lorne.  He wants to know how the Slayer is doing.  I can almost hear the wheels turning in Angel's head.  He has his Buffy face. He goes to the phone.  I can't let him talk to Lorne.  Not yet anyway.  Danm that Buffy.  Look at what she is doing to me.  Look at what she is doing to us.  I am a good person.  I don't lie.  I don't keep secret form Angel.  Well I do.  Sometimes.  Why did she have to come here?  

            "Angel?" I ask.

            "Yes Cordy." He answers heading for the phone.

            " I am not feeling so good, do you mind helping me upstairs?" I say in my most innocent voice.  I see him stop brooding for just a second.  He leaves the phone and gives me his arm.  At least he won't be talking to Lorne yet. I'll find something to keep him distracted.  

TBC

Nextà Connor AN: I know it's short.  But it looked more before I typed it…ps: I hate auto correct. 


	8. Chapter 7 Connor Dawn

Disclaimer: Don't own them 

**_A/N:  I know some of us can't wait to find out what Lorne saw in the little Slayer.  It will be for the next chapter or the one after next.  ^_^_**

Connor 

            I have not seen my father in five days.  Well not since I went to the hospital with Cordelia and Gunn.  Angel has not left the Slayer's side ever since.  I had been surprise to hear about to hear about her.  I had wanted to meet her but never like this.

            When we had gotten to the room where she was healing, I had found my father supporting two young women.  I had recognized the red head as Willow.  I had seen her a few hours before at the Hotel.  She had come for a celebration dinner for Angel's wedding.  The other one, I had never seen.  She was tall. Well compared to the other woman around me she was.  She looked small and frail.  She was cute if you dismissed the runny nose and the puffy eyes.

            I had been checking out the sister of the girl that had sent my father to hell I found out when my father introduced us.  I also got the chance to meet the Slayer.  Not the way I had thought I would meet her.  Angel rarely spoke of her and I couldn't help be a little curious about her.  He would get those expressions that let me know that she meant a lot more than what he let on.  And by the way he was looking at the hospital I am not so sure if she isn't still very important to him.

            A while back I had found some drawing of her.  They had been discarded in a room we used as storage at the hotel.  I had thought the girl had been pretty.  The girl in the portraits had been full of light and happiness.  The young woman on that bed had looked like a very pale imitation of those portraits.  I wonder what had happened in her life to change her that much.  But my thoughts about the slayer had disappeared when I had seen Cordelia looking at Angel.  My future stepmother had been furious.  She had over heard a doctor refer to him as the husband of the Slayer.  I guess I would have been mad too. I mean the blond girl was pretty. Her sister was also.

            I am not saying that Cordelia is not pretty.  The woman is beautiful and I know I had my share of romantic thoughts about her a while back.  When she didn't have her memory we had hung out for a while but when it had come back and she had found out about what I had done to Angel she had been much colder with me.  It seems that Cordelia is not as forgiving as my father is.  Not that my father hadn't punish me.  

            I had thought they would have gotten in an argument.  But they hadn't.  So I had gone to sit with Dawn. I had tried my best to talk to her but all I had gotten out of her were sobs and a few leave me alone.  After a while I had given up.

            Now Dawn was sleeping in the room next to mine.  I had spent most of the day and the night hearing her cry.  I had thought of going in and comforting her but I know what to do, or say in such occasions.  I have dealt with death but I am not keen in emotional sharing.  A warrior had no time for sentimentality.  I had learned that from the man I had thought was my father a long time ago. Vengeance was more my game.

            I am restless.  I wish I had something to do.  My thoughts keep going back to the slayer.  She had been attacked in Caritas.  I wonder what she had been doing there.  Chances are she didn't even know that it was a demon bar.  She wasn't from around here to know that.  I wonder if Lorne had known that she had been the Slayer when the blond had walked in to his club.  I am almost positive that he would have known.  And if he had known, wouldn't he have called Angel? I mean considering my father's history with her and knowing how much Lorne liked to put his nose in to other people's business, he would have called.  And if he didn't there had to be a reason.

            I am bored so why not pay him a little visit and who knows maybe he might tell me a little bit more about her.  Anyway something felt wrong about this.  Time to do some investigating.  

            I head down the corridor heading to the stairway to the lobby.  I stop when I hear Angel's voice.  What is he doing here? I thought he would be in the hospital.  He is in the middle of the lobby helping Cordy walk towards the stairs.  Is something wrong with her? Or is she craving attention? No Cordelia is not the type.  I know this must be hard for her though.  I don't think anyone likes the idea of his or her fiancé playing-nurse for another person.  I wonder if Angel is not making the wrong decision in marrying Cordy.  This was the first time he was away from the Slayer.  Maybe it's just my jealousy talking.

            As they come up the stairs, I hide myself in the shadow.  Angel looks exhausted.  I am not even sure if he can sense me or not.  If he does he ignores my presence.  After a few minutes I watch them disappear into the room they share.  

            "What are you doing?" Asks a voice behind me.  I jump at least a feet, surprised.   How long had Dawn been behind me? How did she sneak behind me? 

            "What are you doing? Why are you spying on people?" She asks me again. Her voice is a little hoarse.  She looks rested at least I think. 

            " I am sorry." I am finally able to say.

            "Well everyone is lately" She lets out bitterly.  Way to go man.  It seems you can't say anything good to the girl.

            "I…"

            "Never mind," she says brushing me off.  What is wrong with that girl? What is wrong with me? I should ask her what she was doing sneaking up on me. I almost want to tell her off.  I know better.  She is not angry with me, I am almost positive that whatever is going is mostly about her.

            " Where you going?" She asks me noticing my jacket.

            "Did anyone ever tell me you ask too many questions?" I answer back.

            "I ask you something first." She interjects.

            "If you need to know I am going to Caritas." I don't even know why I told her this.  I can see pain flash on her face when I mention the bar.

            "Aren't you kind of young to be going to bars?"

            " Do you want to come?" Did I just say that? One of her eyebrows goes up. She looks cute like that.  I am hitting on her aren't I?

            "Sure, why not?" She answers.  Well I could think of a few reason why we shouldn't go but I am not going to tell her.  I am not even sure why I am dragging her behind me. I expect her to head to her room for her coat but than I notice that she had it already with her.  

            "I was going to go for a walk anyway." She answers me as if she could read my mind.  I think I really like this girl. 

Dawn 

            Wow! So this is Caritas.  I haven't seen that many demons since…wait a minute I have never seen that many demons.  Of course this is not the ideal place that I would have wanted to go with a handsome over here.              

            I have to say that there must be something about Angel's gene because his son is hot.  Okay so I have a sister in a coma and I am thinking that her ex's son is yummy.  Connor is nice too.  As far as I can remember, I've been a bitch to him the entire time I had been in L.A.  To him and to everyone else that is.  

            On our way here, Connor had told me that he was coming here to talk ot a demon called the Host.  He wanted to ask him a few questions about my sister and also about what had happened.  No one had bothered to come and talk to the host because they had all been busy either morning the Slayer like I was or been at her side hoping that if they talked to her enough she would wake up.  I am not sure I want to know what Buffy was doing here.  Is there even anything to find out? Buffy fought a demon, killed it and got hurt.  Other than the part that she had been drunk that was mostly the routine of my sister life.  I had tried to explain that to mini-Angel but he told me there was something fishy about the whole situation.  

            I know that my main fear is that I will find out that she wanted to die.  It wouldn't be the first time.  When Willow had brought her back from heaven, all she had wanted was to go back.  She hadn't wanted to be here.  I just had her back.  Buffy and I, we were finally getting along. This is so not fair.  

            According to Connor, Lorne or the Host would have recognized the Slayer because he works for the Powers That Be.  I wonder who came up with such a silly name.  If he had seen my sister he would have automatically called Angel, unless something had occurred.  I wonder if Lorne knew something that we might not want to pry in.  I look Connor's set face and I know that it would be a waist of my time to try to dissuade him.    

            I look around from the stool where I am sitting.  Some very ugly demon is giving a rendition of Britney Spears "I am not a girl, not yet a woman." That is disturbing.  I don't think I will ever be able to hear this song again on the radio. My eyes continue to wander till they set on a green skinned demon.  He is wearing a very flashy yellow suit that complement is skin tone.   Green monkey in a suit flashes in my mind.  I think Buffy would think that that was funny.  Green monkey seems to have notice me staring at him.  I look away.  

            "There 's Lorne," says Connor pointing at the green monkey.

" Hey handsome, fancy seeing you here" says Lorne as he approaches us.  He is staring straight at me. "Brought a date, I notice." At these words I turn red.  

" We are not on a date." Answers Connor. " By the way this is Dawn Summers, and this Is the Host of Caritas."

            "But you can call me Lorne little Sunshine." He says shaking my head. " You are the Slayers sister right? How is she doing? I have been waiting for Angel to give me a call about her condition but he hasn't called yet."

            "Buffy is in a coma and Angel has kind of been by her side during the whole ordeal, it might have slipped his mind. " Answered Connor.  Lorne made a face at those words but I couldn't tell what had made him flinch.  Was it because my sister was in a coma or was it because Angel was at her side?  I wonder. 

            "What was my sister doing here?" I can't believe I just ask that question.  I thought I didn't want to know.  

            "  She came to get a drink. She sang a little…"

            "Buffy sang? Does that mean you read her soul?" cuts in Connor.  What does he mean by reading souls.  Lorne reads souls.  What kind of power is that.  

            "Why didn't you contact Angel about her presence here?" I ask.  He looks at me startle.  

            "I did call Angel.  That is why he came. It took him longer than I expected though." I shake my head.  That was not what happened.  Angel hadn't known that my sister was at Caritas when he had gotten there that night.  I had heard him tell Willow that it had been coincidence that he had gotten there while she was.  He had told her about feeling a pull at his soul and it had woke him up.  He couldn't explain it and was afraid that he might be loosing it so he had gone to the Host in hopes that he could give him some answers but when he had gotten there he had found Buffy.  Angel had even asked Willow to look into the soul-pulling thing for him while he was at Buffy 's side. 

            "Angel hadn't known, it was all a coincidence that he had gotten here when he did." Connor looks at me. I can practically hear him think "and the mystery thickens!" 

            " I did," said Lorne.  He pauses thinking about something and than ads: "Or at least I thought I did.  I must have dialed the wrong number than.  It was a coincidence you say that he had come here that night. " 

            Lorne goes back into deep concentration. I interrupt him and recount to him what I had overheard between Angel and Willow about the reason he had been there last night.  Lorne gasp.  He is looking at me and I can almost see the wheels of his brain turning and processing what I had told him. 

            "I don't understand, I thought Angel's soul was permanent?"  Connor asks.

"Sometimes there are loop holes to this type of things" I answer thinking about the Angel curse.  When the Gypsies had cursed him the first time they had put a loophole in his curse and they had kept him in the dark about it.  What if it was the same for his permanent soul?   I look at Lorne, lost deep in thought and wonder if by any chance he might know the loophole in spell.  If there was one.

**_TBC _**

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**_AN:  I am sorry to announce that I do not intend to do a C/D romance so this is as much as you are going to get from those two …friendship yes…romance I am not so sure. _**

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**_And as promise ….the next one is Lorne_**

**_Is there a loophole to Angel's permanent soul?_**

**_Is Lorne going to tell on Cordelia for not relaying the message?_**

**_What did the Host see when he read Buffy?_**

**_All these will be answered in the next one ^^_**

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AN2: Please be so kind to review …and if there are any aspiring beta readers here…please let me know the position is still open.  And also excuse this chapter.  It's about 4 am and I am like wicked tired.  I just wanted to give you guys something before I went on my trip without my laptop.  I am not sure when I will be able to update so I thought I would give all of you a treat.  Hope you like it …^^


	9. Chapter 8 Lorne Wesley

**Disclaimer:  Same old, same old: not mine**

**AN:  Thanx for the nice review.  I enjoy reading them.  I am sorry I am such a slow poke when it comes to updating.  I have most of the story written but as usual to lazy to type it than post it. So without further ado here it is:**

**LORNE**

So Cordelia hadn't given Angel my message.  I wonder why?  It couldn't be jealousy something else must have come up. Did she forget? Cordelia would never endanger someone purposely, even if it were a woman that she was jealous of. I don't think that she loved the idea of Angel seeing the Slayer.  I know that when it comes to Angel; Cordy's confidence in her-self is not that great.

            I am looking at the teenagers seating in front of me.  I hear them speculating about the possible loopholes in Angel soul.  I hate my life.  I wish I could be back to Vegas singing like crazy or even maybe in The Hyperion Ballroom.  Anywhere but here, with those two kids that are getting way to close to the truth. What they told me earlier is adding to the puzzle in my head.

            I am still recovering from what I read from the little slayer a few nights ago.  I really need to think this through and who knows, even talk to someone about this.  I propose to take them back to the hotel.  Maybe there everything might make more sense.

" I need to get some rest," I tell them, "All that bad singing is taking a toll on me." I hear them chuckle. But I can tell from the way Connor is looking at me that he doesn't believe me.  He is so much like his father. But I can't tell them what I saw in the slayer. I don't even want to think about it too much because it disturb me. I am not sure if the kids would want to know about sorrow, pain and loneliness.

                                                *          *          *

            I am glad to have Dawn and Connor out of my sight.  They are good kids but they can't stop bickering, as if they were siblings. If only they knew, how related they are in some ways.  But that is the story for another day. Finally some peace and quiet, hopefully, I will have time to start putting the pieces together.

            Ok Lorne! What do you know? When Buffy had sung, I had been overtaken by feelings of sorrow, dread and pain.  I also felt a yearning for another.  I could almost hear her soul beaconing to another.  It was as if she was incomplete and was looking for a second half.  I had seen threw her eyes part of her relationship with Angel.  Passionate and Soulful.  I had seen a lot of darkness in her too, a lot of turmoil and self-hatred.  I read about some unfulfilled dreams that had a lot to do with My Angel-cakes.  I felt a self-loathing for what I had become, for things I should have done differently.            

            From what Dawn had told me Angel had felt something pulling on his soul that same night.  If it was around the same time, it couldn't be mere coincidence.  They might have a soul connection.  But if that were true than that would make them soul mates.  No, they couldn't be.  Cordelia and Angel were together, they love each other, and if it weren't true the powers would have put an end to their love.     

            It's impossible for the Slayer and a Vampire to be soul mates it would be like a sick joke being played on the world.  Mortal enemies in love with one another, Inconceivable!  The Powers would never let that happen.  True soul mates are so rare and are powerful when they fight together on the same side.  If Soul mates exist than they were more chances for Cordy and Angel to be than the slayer. Right? 

 I don't even think I am making sense anymore.  The Powers agreed for Angel and Cordy to be together because they were soul mates.  That is why they agreed for his soul to be bound so it could be near it's other half.  It would be permanent as long as he was with Cordelia and eventually he would get his Shanshu and for that he needed his soul mate. I never told neither one of them that the soul permanent thing only worked if they were together.  I never had a reason too to tell them, Angel is in love with her and so devoted to Cordy.  He would only attain perfect happiness with Cordelia right! 

Now I am not so sure.  I am not sure if the Powers did the right thing.  I am  not so sure if Cordy and Angel are meant to be or if I shoved them in a relationship.  The signs were there.  Fred and I noticed the Moira and Keyrumption between them.  They glowed together.  The slayer was barely mentioned and I noticed that Angel was healing with Cordy.  They needed each other and she made him more human, they formed a little family with Connor.  It wasn't the case with the slayer.   

            Actually I am not sure of how it was with the slayer.  All I could see in her was pain and sorrow.  Why would anyone yearn for more pain and sorrow? Why would she want to go back to that?  She loves Angel for that I am sure.  She would give her life, if that meant the souled vampire could be happy.  I am not sure he would like to know that but she already did it once and I am sure that she would do it again.  I don't know her very well but I think that someone with such battered spirit should be happy also.  It's such a pity that her happiness seems to be tied to the souled vampire.  She thinks of him as heaven.  No wonder her men leave her, who could live up to such expectations.  Maybe I should ask someone who knew Angel and Buffy together.  I can only see what they let slip about each other and for what I might have to do it's not enough. I need to know how other people saw them.  Most importantly I need to know if that girl always had such a burden to bear. 

            I could talk to the witch but I think she is with the Slayer at the hospital and if she is there the one name Xander will not be far behind.  Dawn was too young to really know anything. Cordelia is too close and she might panic if she knew that I was prying into Angel and the slayer's relationship.  What would I tell her? I think the Powers might have made a mistake; I think Angel and you should not be together because he is the Slayers soul mate.  I don't have a death wish.  The only person I can think …

            "Hey Lorne What are you doing here this early? " says a voice behind me.

Wesley!

Wesley 

   Lorne is sitting in the atrium.  He seems so lost in his thoughts.  I look at the clock.  It's about 9 at night.  It's rare to see the demon at the hotel this early, actually lately he barely made it home at all.  He was so busy doing reading for friends and preparing for the eventual wedding of Cordy and Angel.  I wonder if her knows they postponed it for a later date that is still unknown to the couple.  

            I don't want to disturb him but I need some answers.  I have so many questions running through my mind and I am drawing a blank. For almost five days, Willow and I have been researching Angel.  I've spent countless hours on the phone with Giles and Anya.  They are trying to find things out their own way in London.  But with the council library destroyed last year there is not that many resources left.  

            It had been hard to tell Giles what happened to Buffy.  He had wanted to forego his honeymoon and take the first plane to L.A.  It had taken a lot of convincing to tell him that he was doing a better job helping us from London than here.  

            There were to many people mourning the slayer as it is.  There was a lot of research to do and not enough people to do it.  Buffy almost dying was one thing.  But the chance of the scourge of Europe reemerging while the Slayer was in Cleveland and unreachable, no one wanted for that to happen. That thought had finally convinced me to disturb him

            "Hey Lorne What are you doing here this early?" I say coming behind the Host.  .  The green demon was jolted out of his thought by the sound of my voice.

            "Hey Wesley, you are just the man I want to see. " He answers me smiling.  "You might help me figure some things out. "

            Lorne needs my help to figure something out and I need his.  Things are getting interesting.

            "What a coincidence, I was looking for you for the same reason.  I need your help figuring something out too." Saying that I take off my glasses and wipe the glasses with a handkerchief.  I wonder why he needs me? Does he need me to sing or something?

            "No singing required" Lorne tells me.  I give him a puzzled look.  Sometimes I wonder if he can read people even without the singing.

            " You knew Angel and Buffy when they were together.  I am sure you remember a little bit about their relationship" Started the demon.

            "A little" I reply with some reserve.  I wonder why he is asking.  Eh never showed interest in Angel's past relationship with the Slayer.  To think of it we never spoke the "B" word.  "Why are you asking?"

            " The night Buffy was almost killed… well she sang and I read her soul.  Sunshine had so much pain in her heart I thought I was going to choke in my own tears.  I felt as if she was breaking apart.  Most importantly was that I felt her soul hum.  It was calling out to another.

            "Hum? You say." I said puzzled.  I had never heard of Humming souls before.  

            "Yes Hum.  There is this legend that says that Soul mates Hum to one another in time of need. They feel each other from a distance.  They share pain, sorrow, pleasure and happiness through the humming." Lorne explained to me.   So Buffy's soul was calling out to another.

            "Dawn told me that night that Angel felt as if he was loosing his soul." He added more for himself than for me.

            " Would such a hum create the sensation of soul being pulled?" I asked already knowing the answer.  If Buffy were calling out to someone in a moment of pain I would bet my life that person would be Angel.  Wait a minute?  Didn't Lorne just say that only Soul mates could do that? A vampire and a Slayer.  No it can't be right.  Angel and Cordelia are together.  Buffy and Angel are ancient history anyway. It's true that they always had a strong connection but…

            " Angel and Cordy are soul mated though, they have Keyrumption.  They are two warriors who've met and have recognized their mutual fate. " I notice that Lorne is talking and that I have lost most of what he had said before that.  To tell the truth I never understood the whole Moira and Keyrumption thing between Angel and Cordy.  Fred told us she saw it and we believed her.  Why not? I mean Angel deserved to be happy and we all had seen that Cordy and him were getting closer and at the time we all thought that Buffy was dead.  It was normal for him to move on.  I had never thought of those two together but who had seen it coming?  Well Lorne had and so did Fred.  

            There was no doubt in my mind after seeing Angel and Cordy together for the past few months that those two love each other but I can't help the nagging feeling inside.  That feeling that became stronger when I saw Angel's haggard face at the hospital.  He was distraught at the thought that she might never wake up.  That was not the look you had if a friend you hadn't talk to in months were in a coma. Or was it?

            "What can you tell me about Buffy and Angel?" Now it's my turn to blink.   I don't think I am the best person to talk about those two.  I had wanted their relationship to end when I had found out about it.  I had supported the Council's decision to let him die when he had been shot by Faith with a poison arrow.  I remember telling Buffy that Angel was not her priority, preventing or stopping the Ascension was. I wasn't a nice person than.  I wasn't really proud of the person I was.

            "Wesley?" The urgency in his tone snapped me out of my reverie. 

" Lorne, I am not the best authority on those two." I said to him trying to apologize already for the lack of knowledge I might give him.  " Angel was sent to the Hellmouth to serve as a guide and helper to The Slayer.  When the powers sent him they hadn't counted on the possibility that they might fall in love.  OR that consummating their love might unleash Angelus. " I felt myself blush a little at those words.  I continued: " Angelus taunted the slayer for a while and finally decided to end the world by opening Acathla.  Buffy had to kill him to close the portal.  It was hard on her because she had to kill Angel and not Angelus at the time because his soul had been restored by Willow."

            Lorne nodded at me prompting me to continue the story.

            " According to Giles' watcher diary he came back a few months later.  The details on his return are hazy.  Buffy didn't really talk about it and at the time no one was ready to forgive Angel for Angelus' actions.  Buffy nursed him back to health but Giles said that they had wanted to remain just friends.  Their feelings for each other though were to strong to just be friends so they resumed their relationship.  When I became Buffy's watcher they were dating.  I had the chance to see them fight together.  They fought in perfect synchronicity.  They could tell each other's move.  Giles once told me that they trained together but what made them so great was that Buffy opened up to Angel.  He was her pillar.  She told him a lot about her insecurities about slaying and her life that she did not share even with her watcher. "

            At those words I took out my glasses again.  I had been talking for a while.  Lorne now seem to be lost in thought.

            " Is that all?" Lorne ask me.  I couldn't help feeling like he is waiting to hear something specific from me. I wish I knew what it was than I would just tell him instead of having to take a trip down memory lane for him.

            " Angel and Buffy used to share dreams.  When Angel was haunted by the first they shared dreams the First were sending to hurt him."  

            "Was that before or after Angel drank from the Slayer?"  I look at him startled.  I hadn't told him about that yet.  He must have read it of Angel or even Buffy.

            "He hadn't drunk from her yet." I reply wondering what was the connection.

" If he had drank from her already I would have said it was because of her blood in him but he hadn't. "

            " Angel got shot by a poison arrow by Faith during the Ascension and the council had refuse to help her find a cure so she quit the Council and saved him by letting Angel Drink her when she couldn't get him Faith."

            "She was ready to kill for him. And when she couldn't she was ready to give her life for him." Lorne said to himself.  

            "Lorne of you already know all this why are you making me tell it to you?" I said to him exasperated.  That horned demon was really getting on my nerves now.

He probably knew more about those two than any of us put together.  

            "Actually I am trying to unmuddle my thoughts an piece up a few pieces.  While you are talking to me I am putting points together that I couldn't do without you telling the story. Plus I get to see how other people who were there saw them. You see, when I read Angel for the first time, Buffy was on the forefront of his mind.  As time went by, she was put further and further away in his heart till I couldn't feel her in him.  That is when I encouraged him to go for Cordelia."

            "We all did, we all wanted Angel's happiness and at the time Cordy was the person that got through to him."

            We all did.  Yes some more than others. I hadn't even seen the love between them develop.  I guess I was way to busy mooning over Fred.  After that I had found out the prophecy about Angel killing Connor.  I hade been cast off from the team and when I had gotten back I had other things to worry about instead of Angel and Cordy falling for one another.  By the time I found out about Angel's feeling for Cordy the only thing I could do was support it and be prepared for the eventuality of Angelus resurfacing. But the powers had bound Angel's soul so he could be with her. Why hadn't hey done the same earlier?

            "Angel and Cordy deserves happiness" I whispered to myself.  " But do they have to be together to be happy?" I hear Lorne let out a gasp.  He walks away from me lost in thought.  He looks preoccupied by something.  " Or do they?"

            "The Powers…" He starts a guilty look on his face. 

            "What about the Powers? " I asked intrigued by his attitude.

            " They yielded to them because they wanted to make sure that Angel fought on their side.   A seer and a champion together, inseparable, they were good together, no they were strong.  And they were already falling for one another, all they needed was a little push in the right direction."

            " Do you mean to tell me that they are using Angel's feeling for Cordelia to keep him on this side? That doesn't make sense.  If that was the reason why not tie him to the Slayer." I half screamed.  That couldn't be true what he was saying.  Could the Powers use Cordelia as a pawn in their plot?  What about her feelings? What about Angel feelings?

            "You said it yourself.  Angel and Buffy were never meant to fall in love.  She was meant to bring him to the good side.  But his fight and hers would be done in different playing fields.  Cordy and Angel have the same fight, the same purpose…they love each other.  Angel's love for Buffy would bring the Slayer to darkness. They would risk a chance to loosing a slayer to the dark side.  Didn't she defy the council in the name of her love for him? It was too much of a risk to let them love each other. "

            " Lorne I am sure you don't believe what you are saying? I am not saying that Angel and the slayer should be together but I can't believe that the Powers would meddle in affairs of lower beings."  I pace around the atrium, looking at Lorne suspiciously.  How much did he know?  If the Powers could do this what else could they do?  Could they have prevented Angelus from rising last time? 

            "It doesn't matter anyway." Says Lorne letting his shoulders droop as he sat down by the fountain.  " Angel has to be with Cordelia.  His soul is bound as long as he is with her.  You see the curse is not gone.  They couldn't take it away.  They only altered it.  The curse was given out of vengeance, which is not an element the good side uses.  He has to be with her till he Shanshues other wise it doesn't happen." I looked at the Host in disbelief.  Angel's soul is not bound as we all thought it was.  The Powers had just altered it.  

            " Buffy can make him loose his soul than." It's not a question.  " Do they know I ask?" looking up into the hotel, my gaze resting in the direction of the room of the couple.

            " I haven't told them.  I never thought it mattered.  They are so happy together" he is trying to justify keeping that from them.

            " He still loves her." I answer him, not even bothering looking at him. " If she dies than Angel will Shanshu and live happily ever after with Cordy isn't it?" I know the words I am saying are harsh.  Lorne is a kind-hearted person. He would never wish ill on anyone.  But I also know that he wants his Angel Cakes to be happy with Cordy.  Buffy is in the way.  But if she dies or never wakes up she won't be.

            "I would never…" Lorne Starts outraged but the mere thought of it. I turn around and face him.

            " Trust me Lorne, whatever you decide, I hope you tell them. I hope you let them know the truth, because if they found out from someone else there will be hell to pay and trust me Cordy and Angel might never be able to forgive you this one.  I have been there and I wouldn't wish it on anyone." At those words I walk out.   The decision is all his.  I wish I could tell him not to tell them.  There are too many people at stake.  I know that they will make the right decision.   I have to go pick up my tux from the dry cleaners.

**TBC**

**AN: I was waiting for the beta read version of this before posting it, but I think that my beta is busy with school so I thought why not post it this way.  If I get flame for my grammar and spelling I can deal.  But don't expect anything soon.  I am in final season and I have to many papers to write to be side tracked by fan fiction…. ^______^**

**AN2…The next chapter is about Buffy gaining a little Faith But will it be enough to wake her up?  An will Lorne spill the beans about the powers not being fair players?????  …. Hope everyone enjoys this and please review….**

** AN#: there might be a lot of typos …I am writing this with one hand …I sprain my left so I am not going to write for a few days**


	10. Chapter 9 Buffy

**_AN: Hi everyone it has been a while since I updated anything.  I spent a lot of time working on a project that did not pan out.  The End of days Series but at least I still have my website.  So if any of you have Buffy or Angel stories centered on the End of Days topic feel free to visit my site and submit your stories. Hopefully no one hates me.  I am going to try to update at least once every week one of my stories.  So please be patient with me and I will eventually finish this story.  I am sure you want to get on with the story. So there it is:_**

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**_Buffy:_**

I don't know how long I have been laying here.  I saw the sun be replaced by the moon.  The cloak of the night has wrapped itself around me and I am still on the sand.  I can hear the sound of the waves.  It should be soothing but it's not working for me right now.  I just decided to give up on Angel.  I thought I had a long time ago.  I thought I had moved on…I really did.  But I had not. Otherwise I would have never put myself in the position I was in the bad over the fact that he and Cordy were to get married.  Or is it that I am jealous that they get to be together, have a family while I get stuck being a savior with nothing to show for it.  Am I that selfish? Yes, I am.  Somewhere, deep in my heart I always imagined a white picket fence house and a dark haired child with chocolate brown eyes running to me an calling me mommy.  I don't think it's ever going to happen now.  Nope, Cordy will have that.  Cordy will have Angel.  I feel another tear run down my cheek.  When did I start pitying myself so much? When did I start thinking that I am better off without anyone?  When I notice I was alone.  I am always alone.  Everyone leaves me.

" Not everyone leaves B.  Sometimes you push them away." Said a voice behind me.  Faith …Here…Impossible.  I sat up and looked.  The brunette slayer was standing a few fell away from me.  The wind blowing her hair and her sunflower dress, she took a few steps closer to me and dropped to the ground next to me.

" I got to say B, you do dream up beautiful places."  She said taking a pile of sand in her hand.  " Are you going to say anything or are you just going to stare at me mouth open.  Come on B, where the witty repartee you are so good at." 

"What are you doing here?" I asked.  What I really wanted to know was how she got here.  I thought this was my mind.

"Well I am here because you want me here" she replied.  She looked around for a little while, than added, " I am also here because I am worried about you."

Worried? Why would she be worried? I am dying, the love of my life is getting married and I just gave him my blessing. There is no reason to be worried.  I am not.

"You didn't give Angel your blessing B.  You are not dying either you are giving up.  And there is a difference there"

"Look if you came here to tell me how to run my life, you are too little to late.  Last time I checked you bailed on me.  You got yourself killed," I said getting up.  I was mad.  How dare she come here and tell me what I was doing.  She had no right to invade my privacy.  " You died, you gave up.  Why can't I? I yelled walking away from her.  

" B!" She screamed getting up after me.  I didn't want to listen to her.  She more than anyone should understand that I was tired, that I needed to give up.  She had. 

" You can't give up.  Not on life and not on Angel.  Listen maybe things seems like they want work out but they will in the end.  Your time will come but it is not today." Hearing her say those words say those words infuriated me more.  I had to wait, to be happy. I had to watch everyone else find happiness and me just linger in the hope that one day will be my turn.

"And who get to decide when my turn will be?" I scream turning to face her.

"Buffy…the Powers that be sent me here…It's not your time to go yet…" I watched her come close to me.  We are standing so close to each other.  I can see that she is crying under the moonlight.

"When will it be my time" I whisper closing my eyes.  I feel the caress of a warm hand on my cheek.  Faith is wiping my tears.

"I don't know sister.  But I know this, you are needed, your sister needs you, your friends and the world.  So do Angel and Cordelia.  Buffy there is a big fight coming and we will need you to stand as a general for our side."

"What happens if I can't, What if I don't want to this anymore. What if I am tired of being a slayer?"

I feel arms go around me.  I missed Faith. " I miss you," I whisper returning her embrace.  I hear a small chuckle escape her lips.  " You'll be five by five B.  You have always been strong, so don't quit on me now."

"I just don't feel strong…I feel like everyone is deserting me and I am all alone, you left me" I mumble.

"Do you think I wanted that Venetia demon to kill me?  Buffy I had finally gotten the family I wanted.  Living with you and Dawn for those three months was the best.  I felt like we were sisters.  But my time I had come.  And as you can see I haven't left you.  I am here, aren't I?

"It's not the same" 

"Anyway, there is another reason why you need to go back.  Other than the fight."

"Angel is getting married to Cordy…"

"I never saw that coming, but they do make a great couple" I let her go as I hear her say those words."  Buffy, I am kidding"

"Do you think it's selfish of me that I can't accept that he might be happy with someone else other than me?  Do you think that it is selfish that I hold on to dreams that we might end up together someday?" I ask her 

"No…I think it is why you still are living.  You have that hope.  Angel is and will always be your soul mate but you're a champion.  And that comes first."

"So that's it, I am a champion so I don't get to be with him."  I can't believe this crap that Faith is telling me.  I have to go back to save the world from yet another apocalypse and get my heart shattered when my love marries someone else. 

"Buffy for god sake grow up.  You are not sixteen anymore.  And it's not like you haven't had other people.  Need I remind you of Riley, Spike and Daniel?"

"I never married any of them!"

"Because you thought yourself to good for them, or because they never measured up to your ideal, even worse because you pushed them away.  B, you were given a chance to be happy with others."

"They were not Angel," I yelled falling to the floor.  A few seconds later I felt her sit next to me.

"Listen B.  This is bigger than you, bigger than us.  If you love him as much as you say you do, you will go back" 

"Why should I?" I know I am acting like a little child, a very spoiled child.

"Because if you don't go back, Angel will die"

"No!" I said.  "He can't die"

"B you are the reason he joined the fight in the first place.  Do you think that if you give up and die he will continue the fight?"

"He did last time I died, he did it to honor my memory" I replied thinking of the last time I died.  I also remembered when we met after I came back.  He had been so happy to see me.  We had kissed and for a brief moment I hadn't minded being back but when he moved away from me I started thinking that everything was too harsh.  I wanted to be back in heaven.  I pushed him away.  I told him that I needed space but most of all I needed him to go away.  I was mad because he had made me want to live for one tiny second and at the time that was too much for me to take. I wish I had not been such a pompous ass.

"That is part of your charm" Said Faith.

"Stop reading my mind"

"If you talked about it instead of ranting in your head I would not have to do that" She gave me a smile.  I can't believe that she is smiling at a moment like this.  I don't want Angel to die, but at the same time I don't want to go back.

"So, are you ready to go back?

"Not really…But I can't let him die."

"That's my girl…"She said putting an arm around my shoulders.

"So you are going to tell me what's coming"

"You'll see B, I don't want to spoil the surprise"

"I hate surprises," I said as everything around me went dark. "FAITH" I called out.  "Faith, What is going on?"  I asked looking into the darkness.

"FAIITTHHH!!!!" I screamed sitting up.

"Buffy" I hear an answer.  I open my eyes.  I don't even remember my when I closed my eyes.  The surroundings are different.  I am no longer at the beach.  Everything around me is white.  

"Oh my god Buffy, you are awake…" I hear next to me.  I turn my head and find myself staring in Willow's teary eyes.  She is joined by Dawn.  I hear Xander say: " I am going to get the Doctor"

I am awake.

**TBC**


	11. Chapter 10 Angel

**_Disclaimer: Angel and Buffy don't belong to me…As much as I want too…they don't.  Don't think otherwise or I'll sue._**

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**_AN: Hi everyone, I am back with a new chapter.  My computer is back at home and it's working.  So hopefully I will be updating and people won't hate me for the disappearing act I pulled in 2003. Well I am back and hopefully I will finish everything I started.  Criticism is more than welcome. Reviewing helps me know that there is an audience reading and also lets me know what I need to fix so please be kind and Review…_**

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**_Angel …._**

_When you kiss me I feel like I could die….._

_I love you…I want to be with you…_

_I killed my goldfish …Don't you think you are jumping the gun._

_It's not enough time. I'll never forget …I'll never forget…_

_In time we can …forget_

_I have a boyfriend now…Someone I can trust…._

_How does forever sound to you…_

"What the…" I say sitting on the bed.  I moved so fast I almost threw Cordelia off the bed.  That would not have sat well with her. The poor woman was exhausted and I didn't want to wake her up for the world.  I love watching her sleep.  She looks so innocent, so mature.  Less likely to say something that you don't want to hear no matter how true it is.  She has always known how to make me face things that I did not want to.  She is my shoulder, my right arm. She is someone, I can trust.  I love her.  Than why was I thinking of the Slayer? Why was I thinking of the times she hurt me, or made me happy? Why is she hunting my dreams?

 I know that I am worried about her.  When the doctor said she might not wake up I felt a pang in my heart.  I have never wanted anything bad to happen to her.  Actually when it came to her I tended to be a little bit over protective of her.  Can you blame me, Buffy was my first love. She was the light in the world of darkness that I lived in.  I get out of bed and start getting dress.  It doesn't feel right to think about Buffy as my fiancée is lying in bed next to me. 

            Afraid of waking Cordy, I tiptoe to the next room and closed the door gently behind me.  I wonder how Buffy is doing.  I check the clock.  It will be light in an hour or two.  I could swing by and see how she spent the night.  I hear Cordy mumble something and change my mind.  I won't do this to her.  She might tell me everything is fine but I know that she is not to thrill with the amount of time I am spending with the slayer.  She has told me too many times, that when it came to Buffy I lost all common sense.  I don't want to hurt Cordy, I'll call them instead.  Than I thought of the conversation that Cordelia and I had when I had taken her to bed earlier that night.  She had been hurt, she was putting on a brave face for me but I could tell that she really didn't like being second fiddle to Buffy.  So I had ended up promising her that I would wait and not call.  We knew Buffy was alive now and just in a coma. It wasn't like she was dead.  I don't think I could have taken it if she had died again.  The last time, I had barely come to terms with it.  "This time you have Cordelia" A voice replied in my head. Deep inside I knew that it would have been hard for me to accept.  I knew by my actions when I had seen her lying on that stage at Caritas in pool of her own blood.  I had felt a pain that I had shaken me to the core.  The last time I had felt like this was when I had lost Connor. 

            "Let's not think about this" I think going down to the lobby of the hotel.  The place looks deserted.  Wesley and Fred must still be asleep and it's too early to see Gunn or Lorne. I head to my office for some private time.  As if I need any more time with my thoughts.  Maybe I can research Soul pulling spells.  The least I could do is help with the research the Willow and Wesley had been working n yesterday. There is a note from Connor pinned to the door of my office.  I pick it up as I walk in. 

_Hi Dad, _

_Went to see Buffy with Dawn. Be back in the morning._

_C._

Is it me or has Connor been spending a lot of time with Dawnie?   I shake my head.  Of course they would, they are about the same age. It would make sense.  It could never be that my son would be attracted to her, would it?  I'd rather not go there yet .I can't help the small pang in my heart.  I have been neglecting Connor a little with the whole wedding planning thing.  And now with Buffy in the hospital I barely have seen or spoken to him.  

            I sit at my desk and stare at all the books piled everywhere in the office.  They did make a mess of this office didn't day.  I stare at the open page of the volume right in front of me trying to make out the words to no avail. All I can think about is Buffy right now.  I have so many unanswered questions.  What was she doing in L.A.? Why did she fight the demon when she wasn't at her best? The Buffy, I knew would never have done something so reckless… I take it back, she might have.  But Buffy drinking, that was new to me. We were such strangers now that we barely knew what was going in her life.  She never returned my calls and she turned down every invite that Cordelia and I had sent to her.  What happen to us? I wonder.  One day I was in love with Cordelia and Buffy was sleeping with Spike.  Just that thought of those two together made me cringe.  I don't think I will ever forget the gloat in my grand childe' s voice when he told me that he had had the slayer in ways that I could never have known her.  I had been tempted to stake him right there on the spot for daring touching my mate.  I didn't do it.  I knew that loosing Spike would hurt Buffy more than satisfy my need to erase him from the face of this planet.  I had roughed him up a little bit and sent him back to her.  I waited for her to come here yelling and screaming on his behalf but she never came.  It was like I had stopped existing to her.  Than about a year ago, Willow told me that Spike had left and Buffy was happy dating a normal guy that she worked with.  Around that same time Cordy and I decided that with my soul bound nothing was really stopping us from being together so we moved in my room together, and if it hadn't been for Buffy's accident we would be getting married today.  

            I should try to read this through, maybe another book.  At least that will take my mind off the slayer.  I pick up the first book I find and open it. I gasp.  Two pictures are staring back at me.  One is of Buffy and me at her prom. The other is of Cordelia, Xander, Oz, Willow and Buffy in their graduation gowns.  The first picture was a gift from Buffy right before I decided to leave.  She had said so I didn't forget what she looked like.  The other belonged to Cordy.  It was one of the pictures the gang and I had showed her hoping to help her get her memory back...  

            Maybe reading was not such a good idea.  I open my drawer and start looking in it for something. "Maybe some organizing my not be a bad idea" I think looking at the piled up files and papers in there.  I have no idea what I am looking for but I have to find it.  I take out the drawer and empty it on the floor. "Where is it? Where is what?" I wander, than I see it.  Its silver reflecting the light of my office, my claddagh ring is staring back at me from under my desk.  Why was I looking for it?  Something really weird is happening to me.  Why do I want so much to walk down memory lane?  I have moved on.  She has moved on, I think.  I am startled when I hear the phone ring.  I pick it up, afraid that it might wake up Cordelia

"Hello"

"Angel, Buffy is up!" Screams Willow on the other side of the phone. 

"How is she feeling?" I ask.  Oh my god she is up.  She woke up.  I can't help the joy I feel to know that she is going to be okay.  I want to see her. I barely hear what Willow is saying to me, until I hear her say:

"What do you mean she is gone?"

"Willow, what is going on?" I say panicking.  What happened? 

"Dawn told me that she is gone. She is not in her room.  She must have left the hospital."

"I am heading out to find her.  Send Connor and Dawn back here just in case she comes here" I said.  I hung up the phone without waiting for an answer.  I had to go find her.  I would not fail her this time…

**_TBC_**

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**_AN: Okay I know I am going to get flamed f or this chapter…but hopefully I'll get a review to let me know that I am either in the right track or need a different take on this story._**


	12. Chapter 11 From Connor to Willow

**_AN: I hope you guys like this….  _**

**_AN2: Thank you for the review._**

_Connor_

            I can't believe this.  I had taken my eyes off her for a second and now she was gone.  I can feel Dawns accusing stare.  She is upset.  She is afraid that something might happen to her sister.  No matter what I say it will doesn't calm her down.  How could I let her sister slip away? I had no idea I was supposed to keep her here.  All she said was "stay with Buffy, I am going to get her some water." I barely knew the woman.  I knew of her. She intimidated me a lot; I was standing in front of a legend, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  My dad's first love, the woman who sent him to hell, who loved him even though he was a vampire, a girl who kicked ass, just like Faith.  She scared me, a little.

            So I sat with her for a few minutes.  I made some desperate attempts at conversation that were very futile.  She barely spoke.  I introduce myself.  I saw a tear fall down when I told her who I was.  After that she asked me questions on where she was and who brought her here.  I told her that Angel had rushed to the hospital and that everyone wanted to know what she was doing in L.A.  She said something about hating hospitals.  She tried to get up to go to the bathroom but her legs wouldn't respond. She hadn't move for a while.  I helped her to the bathroom and I than I went to sit by her bed.  When Dawn came back to the room a few minutes later, she asked for her sister. I pointed to the bathroom.  We waited a few more minutes.  When we noticed she wasn't coming out, Dawn went to knock on the door.  She got no answer, so she opened the door.  Buffy was gone.  The connecting door to the other room was open.  The slayer had left the hospital.  That is when Dawn became hysterical

            "I had asked you to stay with her" She screamed, getting out of the room. 

"I did Dawn, I kept her company," I replied running after her.  But she wasn't listening to me.  I saw her run to Willow who was standing by the nurse's station on the phone.  As I approached I heard her tell my dad that Buffy was gone.  A few seconds later she hung up.  She turned to me and said.

            "Angel wants you to go back to the Hotel with Dawn just in case Buffy heads there."

            "Shouldn't we be looking for her in the streets? " Asked Dawn in midst of her tears.

            "Angel is going out to find her." Willow replied. "She will be okay."

It's my fault that she was out there.  Maybe I had said something I should not have.  Maybe if I had been able to talk to her, she might have stayed long enough for Dawn or even Willow to have talked to her in staying.  

            "Willow, I think it might be best if I track her down as well.  You should take Dawn to the Hotel instead."

            "How do you intend to track her down?" asked Dawn looking at me.

"I am the son of two vampires.  There is nothing I can't hunt down."  By Dawn's facial expression she had not thought about that.  

"I better go while the trail is still hot. Anyway my dad won't have much time to look for her.  The sun will be up in about an hour or so." 

*           *           *

            I sniff the air. The Slayer has been by here.  I have been walking around for about half an hour and I was at a dead end.  I could not find her.  I picked up her scent but every time I thought I had her, I found myself in the dark.  A few blocks up I found her gown on the floor of an alley.  She must have changed clothes. I had no idea what she would be dressed like. 

            I was puzzled though.  I understand that she doesn't like hospitals that might be a reason she might want to run away from it. But why go through all this to throw us off her scent.  Why doesn't she want to be found? Maybe I'd be better off going back to the hotel.

_Cordy_

            "Where is Angel? " It was the first thing I thought off when I woke up.  He wasn't next to me.  Well that was not a first.  Lately he was never in bed when I woke up and that hurt me.  There use to be a time where I would open my eyes and he would be right next to me reading a book or sometimes just looking at me. This last week, I have been waking up to an empty bed a lot. Ever since Buffy came to town and got hurt, my fiancée was getting really good at the disappearing act.  I hug myself.  Why didn't I tell him that she had been in town?  Now more than ever I wish I had.  She would not have gotten hurt and today I would have been my wedding day.  Instead he must have rush to her side and I am alone.   I had told him not to go.  Well at least to wait for me before he left. 

            After I had stopped him from calling Lorne, we had talked about Buffy and our wedding. How her presence was disrupting our plans.  I had sounded harsh towards the slayer, but I could not help it.  It was like I always felt threaten by her.  I don't know but I am sure that it is not a coincidence she was up here.  What if she had been heading here to reclaim Angel? 

            I can't help the feeling that we only got together because Buffy didn't want to have anything to do with him.  I don't know what happened between them after she came back form the dead, but for one thing I was sure about it wasn't what he thought would have happened.  He came back, than Connor came.  We took care of the child together, it was normal that in time we would want to be together.  And when Angel had lost Connor I helped him with his grief.  Buffy wasn't even here.  To her benefit she had not been aware of the existence of the baby. She almost found out. Wesley confessed to me that he had planned to take Connor to her.  She had protected one magical child before, her sister and the fact that everyone knew that the Slayer wasn't in Angel's circle would have been a good environment for the child.  I wonder if things would have happened differently if Wesley had succeeded. Would Connor have had a better childhood if he had been raised by Buffy?  Dawn was a spoiled brat as far I was concerned. 

            But that is not the way things happened and I got Angel in the process. It makes sense that we are together.  I mean we are both fighters for the side of good, and most of all I would never hurt him the way Buffy has.  Well I almost once. But that does not count. 

            I didn't even notice what I put on till I got ready to get out the door.  I had made Angel install a mirror on the door so I would be able to see what I was wearing.  A flowery top and dark chinos, well it's not the beautiful white gown I was hoping to wear but I did look good in it.  I ruffled my short dark brown hair.  I don't think my hair had ever forgiven me for dying it blonde.  I still to this day have no idea why had done such an awful thing to my beautiful mane.  Was it to get Angel's attention? No one at Angel investigation had notice the color change.  If they had they had not said anything.  

            As I get to the lobby, I can hear voices talking in Angel's office.  Maybe he didn't go after all to see her.  But as I get in, my spirit falls. He is not here. Instead I found Dawn, Willow, Wesley and Fred in a heated discussion.  

            "What is going on?" I said entering the room.  It's kind of early for the whole house to be up. 

            "Buffy is gone," replied a teary eyed dawn.  My god Buffy is dead.  I can't help the tightening in my chest.  What have I done? I think shaking my head.  What have I done? Angel will never forgive me for this. Never.

_Willow_

"What have I done?" I hear Cordelia ask herself shaking her head. I see her back herself to the wall. She is close to tears.  I ignore whatever Wesley was saying to me and run to her.  Cordy has not always been my favorite person in the world but she looked distraught right now.  

"I should have said something…I should have told him …" She whispers burying her face in her hand.

"Cordy, what is wrong?" I ask.  I can feel everyone's eyes staring at the two of us.  I take her out of the office for some privacy.

"Oh Willow, I knew Buffy was here.  Lorne told me to tell Angel that she was at the club…  I just didn't tell him…we had just gotten ready for bed…I didn't know … How could I have known that she would get into danger? ….Now she is dead and Angel will never forgive me.  I didn't know…She is dead…Oh my god…How could I..." She said in the midst of tears.

"Buffy is not dead…" I say to her.  I just look at her.  I can't believe what she had said.  She had known that Buffy had been in town.  She knew but she hadn't told Angel.  

"How could you?" said a raging Dawn.  Everyone in the office had heard. The teenager walked towards Cordelia and slapped her so hard we all felt it.   Cordy instinctively slapped the girl back.  I know I should stop them but I really didn't want to get in between the cat fight.  Dawn slapped her back.  Next thing I knew Dawn was grabbing Cordy by the hair and pulling.

"You knew" Dawn said. "You knew and you kept you mouth shut…this whole time …you could have prevented this…"  

"Don't touch me, Bitch!" screamed Cordelia returning a punch.

            Wesley, wanting to be the voice of reason went towards the young ladies, trying to reason with them.  He ended up getting punch in the face.  Both Fred and I ran towards him to help him up.  

"Dawn stop!" I ordered.  But the girl ignored me, to far gone.  She was screaming as well as Cordelia.  I had wanted to punch Cordy when she had said that she had known but this was getting too much someone had to stop them.

"Cordelia!"   Angel yelled, coming in the lobby.  He must have come from the sewers.  He came running in towards the girls to break them up. A flash of blonde ran pass him.  Than I saw a petite blonde stand between the two girls, she grabbed Dawn's raised hand in mid air.  

"Stop it!" cried out Buffy. "Don't!"  She said turning to Cordelia.

"Don't you dare touch my sister!" Buffy took a step towards Cordelia who backed away.  Angel came and stood in front of Cordy.

"Don't you dare touch her!" interjected Angel.  The two just stood there, shooting daggers at each other.  

This does not look good I thought, looking at the vampire and the slayer ready to jump at each other's throat.

**_TBC_**

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**_The next part will be in the third person as well as in Buffy's POV and Angel POV….It's going to be the confrontation of the century …_**

**_I am sorry to all the C/A and B/A fans if you can't tell who I am rooting for.  All I can say is read …I like to satisfy both group._**

**_Ciao_**


	13. Chapter 12 Angel and Buffy

**_AN: Hi everyone one thank you for the Review though I would appreciate in the future criticism more than bashing of the characters. I believe that everyone I entitled to their opinion of Buffy, but she is one of my favorite characters so please if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.  In the defense of my characters – People today have many sexual partners before they get married, it's shown by a lot of characters on TV, if having multiple partners for a woman makes a whore, what about men? I don't mean to lecture anyone.  Again I apologize for this lengthy note.  I would appreciate not getting reviews of that genre in the future._**

Angel and Buffy Stood in front of each other both ready to strike.  The slayer and the vampire just stared still in time.  An unbearable tension filled the air as the two once lovers stood there. It felt like everyone around them wasn't even there.  "How did we get to this?" thought Buffy standing her ground.

"Buffy" cried out Dawn behind her as she threw herself at her sister. "You are here!" The blonde took one more look at Angel, who had suddenly lost his menacing look and was turning to help Cordelia, before relaxing and turning her attention to her little sister.

"What is going on?" She asked coldly. Buffy wasn't happy.  She didn't know why her sister had been fighting with the brunette, but she couldn't stand see someone hit her sister, regardless oh who was at fault.

"She knew you had been here, she should have told Angel that you had been here…Maybe you would not have almost died" Dawn started to say.  Angel gave Cordy a hurt look when he heard Dawn say that.  Cordelia just moved away from him and stared at something on the floor.  That is not the way she would have wanted for Angel to find out.

"Angel is not my keeper; I don't know the big deal is.  So Cordelia didn't tell him. Is that why you were fighting?"  Buffy asked looking at her sister in disbelief.  She turned and looked at Cordelia standing isolated from everyone now.

"Give me a break" Buffy let out. "I am a grown up; I have every right to do what I want.  I don't need any of you feeling the need to protect me or keep tabs on me."

"Buffy…"Willow started but Buffy cut her off.

"No…I understand that you all were worried about me. But I am the slayer and it's my job to protect you guys.  I am flattered with all the concern and everything but I draw the line when my behavior is blamed on someone else. So Cordy knew I was in town and didn't say anything.  I got into a fight with a demon. No one forced me too.  So if you want to find blame here on why I was in that hospital, look no further than in me.  Now I don't care which one of you started the catfight but the two of you are going to kiss and make up or else." 

            The whole group just stared at the petite blonde standing in the middle of the lobby too stunned to say anything. Dawn whispered an apology half heartedly to Cordelia.  The other girl acknowledged it but her eyes were directed on Angel.  He wasn't saying anything.  He was just looking at Buffy.  Cordelia could not tell what he was thinking and that made her uneasy.  

"Hey did I miss something! Buffy you are here!" exclaimed Connor coming in the hotel.  His eyes went to the disheveled Dawn to Cordelia who was in the same state.  It seemed he had missed something big.

"Where were you?" Angel asked harshly. Connor looked at him. He hadn't done anything, why was his father talking to him that way.

"I was looking for her" he replied pointing to Buffy.  At the moment the slayer was pressing gentle fingers on her temple.  She looked really pale in her dark clothes. Connor saw her sway just a little bit and than she was falling to them floor. He cried out her name and started towards her.  Angel got there just in time to catch her before her head hit the floor.  Without a word to anyone, Angel lifted her and started up the stairs. Cordelia made a move as to say something but the vampire just looked at her and she stayed were she was. 

"Well that went well" Wesley said taking his glass off and wiping them.  Both he and Fred went to Cordy who had started to sob.  They dragged her to Angel's office and closed the door. Willow went to Dawn who was sitting in the sofa in the middle of the lobby.  They just sat there in silence.  Connor was still staring at the stairs where his father had disappeared a few seconds ago.

**_Buffy _**

My head is pounding.  I feel like someone was hammering on it with sadistic pleasure.  Oh what I would give for some Tylenol or maybe a stronger painkiller I thought as I opened my eyes. I try to sit up but a gentle hand pushes me back down.

"You shouldn't sit down so fast. It will make you dizzy." I know that voice.

"Angel?" I ask.  I know it's him.  I am at his hotel. I don't feel comfortable lying down and talking to him. I feel at a disadvantage so ignoring his protest I sit down.

"What am I doing here?" I ask

"You passed out in the lobby so I brought you to my room" He answers sitting next to me on the bed. I can't help from moving away from him.  I can't tell if he noticed or not his face is like a mask.  

"Why did you leave the hospital Buffy, you are still not okay." 

"I hate hospitals" I replied.  I want to get out of here.  I am not ready to talk to him.  There are a lot of things I would like to say to him but right now I would give anything to be anywhere but here. 

"Buffy" I look at him.

**_Angel_**

I am looking at her.  Part of me is happy that she is okay but another part can't help wanting to bash her head for being so stubborn.  She had irritated me with that speech of hers of not needing protection because she was the slayer.  But I had to give it to her, she had been able to look over the fact that Cordy had known she had been here.

"Don't be mad at Cordelia" She said taking me out of my thoughts.  How did she know that it was what I was thinking about?

"Buffy, I am not mad at Cordy.  Just disappointed that she could not come to me and tell me that she knew you had been here."

"Maybe she was afraid that you might get upset with her over it" She replied.  I look at her as she mover a little further away from me.  Is it that uncomfortable for her to be sitting next to me?

"I think …I want to wish you a good life with Cordelia.  Xander and Willow told me that you guys were great together.  Congratulations!" I hear her say. I must be dreaming.  Did Buffy just congratulate me on being with Cordelia?

"Buffy…" Why do I keep repeating her name like a parrot?  I can't help think that something really weird is going on. 

"What were you doing up here? Why didn't you call us for back up?" I ask.  From the way Buffy starts fidgeting I am guessing that is not a topic she wants to talk about.  I usually would have let it go but I feel like it's important to me.  Who knows it might even explain what happened to me that night.

"I…"She started…

**_Buffy _**

"I…"I started but nothing else would come out.  What was I supposed to say? "I came to pull a Rachel, I came to tell you that I loved you and that you deserved to be with me" like I would ever say that.  I looked at him.  I have to say something. Something believable, anything short to telling him the truth.

"I …I wanted to tell you guys that you were the light at the end of the tunnel for me." 

Angel just gave me a puzzled look.  I thank god that Xander can't hear this. I think I had said the same thing to him before his non-wedding to Anya.

"You see, I am proud that you and Cordy are getting married, because it means that even though we are warriors, there is still a place for love in our lives. It means that if you guys can make it work than maybe there is hope for me someday."

Angel just shook is head in assent. I wasn't sure if he believed me though.

"That was close" I thought.  He got up and started pacing in the room.  He was trying to take in what I had just told him. Or maybe he was just trying to find a new way to make me dizzy again as I felt a slight pounding in my brain that match every single step he made.

"What were you doing in the bar than?" He asked stopping in front of me.

"Well I needed a drink…Is that a crime?" I asked a little too defensive. I placed my hand on my temples trying to exorcise the pain.

**_Angel _**

I watched her put her hands on her temple.  She might still have a headache.  I go to the bathroom and come back with a bottle of Advil and a glass of water and hand it to her.  She took it from me.  As I sit next to her I can't help wander if she thinks am dumb or even senile.  I can tell she is lying through her teeth.  Maybe I should tell her that I know that she is lying.  I am almost certain that she didn't come here to say congratulations. There was something else.  If she didn't want to tell me, I would ask Lorne. He had heard her sing. He would tell me what had really happened. I didn't want to have to ask the demon, I wanted Buffy to tell me the truth.

"Buffy, tell me the truth.  I have known you for far too long. I can tell that you are lying."

"I don't think you want to hear the truth." She replied to me. How bad could it possibly be?

"I came here to tell you …to tell you that …to tell you…"

**_Buffy _**

I can't do this.  I can't tell him.  I can't do this to him; I can't do this to Cordelia regardless of how I feel about her.  Most importantly I don't want to do this to myself.  In my dream world he had gone to Cordelia. He had not stayed with me by the beach.  He had chosen to be with her instead of me.  So what difference would it make for me to tell him that I had hoped that one day faith would have brought us back together? It would only make me look ridiculous. 

"I can't do this Angel. Look I came here to wish you good luck okay.  This is why I am here now any way. Whatever I was doing here when I got into that accident is my business and mine alone."

"You were in my town Buffy; I have a right to know"

"No you don't!" I yell. "You don't have that right Angel. You lost that right a long time ago. We are no longer part of each others lives remember?"

"And who decided that? Whose idea was this?" He screamed back at me standing in my face.

"It was the best that we could do at the time" I reply.  Yes it had been my idea but at the time I think that it was what I needed.

"I always kept in touch with you.  I called and ask to talk to you but you were always to busy or unavailable. You didn't want me in your life" said Angel.

"Angel …It's not that I didn't want you in my life. It's just I didn't want you taking over.  I didn't want you feeling guilty for the mess that is...was my life and try your best to fix it. You know that is what you would have done.  You would have taken upon yourself to fix my life and I can't let you do that."

"Buffy that is not true…"He replied backing away from me a little.

"You always do this…You always try to take everyone's burden.  You are always trying to do what's best for me.  Even if it means breaking your heart."  I say sadly.  "I remember that you exchanged your humanity to assure that I would live.  You gave up being a human for me."

"How do you? How long?" He asked sitting on a chair.  He looked as if he was about to faint.

"I died Angel.  You tend to remember a lot of things when you are dying.  I have known since I got back.  I had wanted to tell you that I had known when we saw each other at that motel but I was mad at you.  I was mad that you had chosen to take this memory away from me.  I was mad that I was back.  I was mad that seeing you made me want to stay here when all I wanted to do was be dead."

"I wish you had told me this" He whispered looking at the floor.

"Angel it doesn't matter anyway. It's the past. A lot of things have happened since."

I say sitting back on the bed.  My head is hurting again those pills were not doing their work.  I overexerted myself talking so much. 

"Are you okay?" Angel asked coming next to me.  I feel his hand my shoulder.  Please don't touch me, I think.  It's not in the past, the need to be dead.  I know it.  I didn't want to wake up from the coma.  If it hadn't been for Faith I probably would have still been on that beach wallowed in self pity.

"I didn't want to be back" I let out.  I didn't mean to say that. I move away from Angel's reach.  

"I know" he replies and I give him a startle look.  How did he know?

"The doctors said that coma was self-induce.  You were keeping yourself there as if there was something you did not want to face." I didn't want to face you and Cordelia getting married.  I don't think that I could take it. I still don't think I can.

"But I am back"

"Why did you not want to come back?" 

****

**_TBC_**


	14. Chapter 13 From Buffy to Cordelia

**_Disclaimer: Same as usual._**

**_AN: Thanks for the reviews – Hope you enjoy this chapter. Sorry for the short Chapter _**

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**_Buffy:_**

What am I supposed to tell him...I want to tell him the truth but I am going to hurt everyone?  More importantly I will be hurting myself.  I don't want to go there.  Not when Angel is so close to me.  So close. I don't even realize when I am standing in between his extended arms.  He is there waiting for me to make the first move and I do.  I reach towards his shirt and pull him even closer to me and without thinking twice about it I bury my face in his shirt and wait.  I wait for just a few minutes before I feel him close his arms around me.  Embracing me in the cocoon of his arms just like we used to do in the mansion when I needed a refuge, I let a sigh escape my lips just right before I let the tears flow.  "Why do we have to end this way?" I keep asking myself as the question he had asked me lingers in the air. 

 "I can't tell you, Angel. I can't" I whisper in his shirt. I am not sure if he can hear me, but I feel his embrace tighten around me and I close my eyes thinking that this feels like heaven just being there taking comfort in him.  

**_Willow_****_:_**

Cordelia, Fred and Wesley just came out of the office again.  I think they heard Buffy and Angel fighting upstairs.  Cordelia wanted to go upstairs but Fred had told her it would be best to give them some time alone.  That maybe Angel might find out what happened.  I saw her give me a look.  I am still sitting on the couch with Dawnie who is now asleep from crying.  The Teenage girl had gotten really emotional with Cordelia over Buffy and that had exhausted the child.

Everyone is a little on edge.  I watch Xander approach Cordelia and they exchange a few words.  I hope that he is telling her off but I am mistaken because in the end they seem to hug.  Xander comes to sit next to me.

"How's Cordelia?" I ask just to make conversation.  Regardless of what Buffy told us I can't help feeling upset towards the brunette.  I was upset that she didn't tell us that Lorne had called about her. I can't help think that maybe if she had given Angel the message, Buffy would not have been in the hospital. She could have...

"Willow, Cordy didn't want to hurt anyone.  She is sorry for what happened. You know that right?  Hearing Xander sitting next to me defending her made even more upset.  

"I know" I lied.  I don't know. I let my hands run through Dawns on my lap.  

"We should probable take her to her room" I say changing the subject.  Right now Cordelia is not my favorite person in the world.  And Xander justifying her action would put her in my most hated person list again.

"Let me take her" volunteered Connor. I smiled at the young man as he bent and picked up the teenage girl. She whispered something and put her arms around him.  I watch them disappear upstairs.  It was around that time that I noticed that the yelling upstairs had stopped.  

I guess everyone had heard them stop as well.  I could not help looking at Cordelia again. Her face had turned livid as soon as they had stopped.  

"I am going upstairs and you better not try to stop me.  My fiancé is upstairs and I am going to see if they need anything" she told everyone going up the stairs two by two.

"You want to make sure that Angel is still yours." I think.  

**_Cordelia:_**

It's been too long since I have heard noise coming from the room.  As I approached the door to the room that I share with Angel, I keep wondering what I will find behind those doors.  Two scenarios play in my head as I have my hand on the door knob.  They could be in the throws of passion when I open that door or she could be sobbing on his ashes. With Buffy you never knew.  Either way I would not let that woman still her man. 

I opened the door without knocking and went straight to the room.  And found Buffy in Angel's arms.  Angel was sitting on the bed and she was on his lap, her head buried in his shirt. Angel was trying to console her by whispering something to her.  I tried to make out what he was saying but it didn't seem to be English at all. They had not notice that they were not alone. Seeing them like t his made me feel worse than if I had seen them in midst of passion at that moment.  I was a tender moment between them and I was intruding.

I just stood there studying their body language with each other. She was so small next to him, so fragile as if she could break in two if he wanted to do that to her. He was being her support figure.  He wasn't that for me.  It was always the other way around for us. I was his support. I couldn't help a little jealousy that he seemed to be acting with her in a much different way that he was with me.

I am not sure of how long I was standing there watching them. But it felt like an eternity of pain to me.  There was something about the way that they were with each other that I knew that Angel and I would never achieve.   That knowledge made me hurt.  I know that I was there when their love had started but I had rarely been around when they were actually together without being in battle.  I felt as if I was intruding in the most intimate moment of the couple just by watching him comfort her.  I had to do something. I had to, or I would loose him.  Maybe you have already lost him said a voice in my head.  

"Angel!" I called out in a small voice.  I saw his face snap back up and look at me. He stare seems to look right through me.  He is looking behind me. I turn to see what seems to have captured his attention when I notice that I had someone behind me.

"Lorne?" I ask the Host.

"I need to talk to you Angelcakes.  It's about the three of you..."

_TBC_


	15. Chapter 14 Buffy Angel and Rain

**AN: Here is a treat for my birthday- **

**Buffy**

"Our love made his soul permanent..." That sentence keeps running through my head as I run down the streets of L.A. I am just urging my legs to carry me. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins as I push myself faster and faster. I don't know where I am going but away from this revelation. I should have known. I should have known I keep saying in my head. Come on Buffy run don't stop. My vision is blurred. I am not sure if it's from the tears or the rain that has started to fall. Why does every major event in my life involve rain or sewers? I think as I feel the water soak through my borrowed clothes. I feel my lungs ready to explode, my head is throbbing, but I refuse to stop. I want those legs to carry me as far away from that place as possible.

Suddenly I start to loose feeling in my legs and instead of feeling the prickle of rain on my face, I feel contact with a hard surface. I had just fallen on the floor. I tried to get up but doubled over, throwing up. Suddenly, I feel a cool hand hold my forehead as I give out all the contents of my stomach, which was not much. I tried to push Angel away but I have no strength left. The minute I had felt the touch I had known it had been him. Why couldn't he leave me alone? As if to answer me I felt him pick me up. One more time tonight I was helpless in his arms and I hated it.

"Put me down Angel!" I screamed. As he carried me he didn't say anything, his face was unreadable under the pouring rain. "Put me down!

"As you wish" he said finally and I felt him let go of me. I just had enough time to be surprised before I was engulfed in water. As the water got in my lungs, I reached out and grabbed on the first thing I could find. I felt it bring me back up to the surface.

"What are you doing?" I raged as soon as I was able to stand water reaching my waist. I look glance around to get my bearings and notice that we are at the beach.

"You tell me, Buffy?" he asks me upset.

"You just dropped me in the water. Didn't I looked soaked enough to you? Are you trying to kill me?" I asked advancing towards him trying to look menacing but his height was giving him a very unfair advantage.

"Well I am just helping you I guess. You asked me to drop you and I did." Angel's voice is cutting through me like ice.

"I never said in water." I retort trying to not show how much his tone is hurting me. How much what he just said "helping you" makes me feel sick inside. Does he know? Does he know how much I welcome death? How tempting it's been to just let go and die? He know I did not want to get out of the coma, but that is the extent that he knows; Don't be paranoid Buffy I say to myself.

"Well the sand might have hurt a little more than was necessary." I hear him whisper, sadness in his voice.

"Why did you follow me?" I said fuming, my anger still vibrating through out my body. He was getting on my nerves. Look at him coming a knight in shining armor to save me. I didn't need saving. Why was he so righteous?

"Buffy you are not well. You just came out of the hospital. You shouldn't have run out of the hotel like that.

"Well your future wife was flaunting how perfect your love was? How your soul was permanent because of that love. I am sorry if I couldn't' take it. I am sorry that I had to hear that your soul was permanent and that you never told me. How could you not tell me?

"I didn't think it was important" he replies.

"Wow, Angel this was the major hurdle that we could never get past. That you could revert to Angelus if we were ever together, if I made you even to happy just being with you that Angelus could rear his ugly head...

"Buffy..." He started but I was not going to let him say anything not until I added: "Don't you think I would be relieved to know that Angelus would never come back.

"I didn't think it mattered anymore Buffy. You were living your life and I was living mine as we both had agreed.

"You should have told me..." I started.

"Why Buffy? Tell me why I should have told you? Why is it always me that have to tell you everything about my life but you can safely keep yours away?" Angel looked at me frustrated.

"I..." I didn't know what to answer. Angel looked upset. He started walking to shore leaving me in the water.

"You know Buffy, I know what I am going to say is going to hurt, but when it comes to love, you are selfish. Or maybe when it comes to me, you always were. You come here and almost get yourself killed before my wedding and here I am in the rain having this conversation with you. You can't tell me why you are here. You LIE to me and I am supposed to take it all in and say Ôokay Buffy, it's okay. But I don't remember you calling me and telling me things that were happening in your life. You kept me out. You shut me out...

"It's not like you volunteered events in your life. You kept things from me. You never told me about Connor. You left me..." I say walking to shore as well. I wanted to get in his face. How dare he call me selfish?

"I came back to you, Buffy. After you came back, I went to you. I wanted to be with you regardless of everything ... But you shut me out." He said softly, pain written all over his face.

"I couldn't, I was still hurting from being brought back from heaven. I told you that. I didn't want to be here and you just made me want to be here..." I whispered softly, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"And what was wrong with that Buffy...

**Angel**

I feel her hand on my shoulder. Even though it is cold and I am soaked, I can feel her warmth go through me. Buffy could always warm me up. I wait for an answer to my question. I face her looking at her intently. I don't know what I am expecting her to say, but what comes out of her mouth next feels like a knife to my heart.

"It doesn't matter anymore." How could she stand in front of me and tell me that. I can't help what I say next or the accusatory look I give her.

"Well to me it did. I had to find out that you were with Spike so that you could feel! SPIKE of all people.

"Who told you that?" I don't know what makes me madder, the fact that she doesn't deny it or that she needs to know who told me. I don't want to think about the day that I found out that my Childe and Buffy were lovers. I thought for sure that I would have killed Xander when he had told Cordelia and I the news a couple months ago. I had seen red but I had shown no emotion. I had felt numb all over as soon as the flare of anger had subsided. Than it had been easy to rationalize why I had such a reaction to the news as vampire territorial issues and nothing more.

"Never mind who did Buffy, I was hurt that you rather be with a soulless vampire than with me. That anything was better than being with me. I thought you loved me. God I would have given up anything for you and you went to him." I said to her.

"I couldn't come to you..." She looks at the sand and takes a hand from my shoulder. I feel a slight pang in my heart because of our lost of contact.

"Than why do you think I had to tell you that my soul was permanent?" I ask her.

"You should have told me!" She says looking up a strange fire in her eyes.

"Why Buffy? WHY?" I scream, throwing my hands up in the air.

"BecauseÉ.

"Because of what Buffy?" I demanded wanting her to tell me the truth. But I never expected to hear what she was about to say.

**Buffy**

I can feel his frustration in my lies and I don't know what to say. I don't know why? I keep stuttering and than the words come out as I feel warm tears run down my cheeks.

"Because I love you, because I still love you, and I always will love you. You are in my soul. Don't you get it, you not telling me, is like finding out that all my wildest dreams came true and find out Éthat it got snatched away from youÉ one more time. I came to terms with you becoming human and giving it back for me Ébut this feels likeÉ this was a second chance and once againÉ I just blew it again." I want to stop talking. I have to stop talking before I say anything more. But what worse can I say I just admitted to him that I loved him. "I even came here because I love you. I couldn't let you go through marrying Cordelia without you knowing that I was still in love with you. When I heard that you were actually getting married, I felt like everything I ever wanted was being taken away from me. Screw the normal life, Angel. All I ever wanted was you. You were the best thing that came out of my life as the Slayer. I always had the hope that one day we would be together, maybe not in a white picket fence house but at least fighting side by side with creepy things that go bump in the night." As I am saying all of this I keep my eyes locked with his, but they are expressionless. I have no idea what he is thinking as I am revealing all this to him.

"Why were you at the bar?" Well that wasn't the question I was expecting from him.

"When I got to L.A., I could not go through with this. As much as I wanted to tell you how I felt, I thought that I had no right to destroy your happiness with Cordy, for a maybe with me. So I had a few drinks, than on my way out of the bar to head back to Sunnydale, a demon attacked me. I knew that I wasn't in the right state of mind to fight him but I was hurting and the battle was tempting. For a moment during that fight I lost my will to live when I thought that I had lost you forever, it was just enough for the demon to take the upper hand.

"But you killed it" he said getting closer to me. His voice was void of emotions as he let this talked to me. I turned away from him walking a few steps away. I didn't like the reaction he was having.

"I am the slayer Angel. If I was going to go down, I was going to take that foul demon with me. The last thing I thought about when I felt myself fall to the floor was that I would not get to see you again and tell you how I feel.

"You thought about me?" He asked. The tone of his voice made me look at him. His brows were furrowed. He was deep in thought.

"I called out to you.

"I felt it." He whispers

"What?" I looked at him. How could he have felt my thoughts?

"The night you almost died, I felt a pull on my soul as if I was loosing part of it. As if I was loosing my soul all over again. It led me towards Caritas. I didn't think much about it after I saw you on that stage bleeding. All I could think about was that my Buffy was dying and that there was nothing I could do for her.

"My Buffy" did he just say my BuffyÉI can't help the racing in my heart. Is it possible that there might be a chance for us still?

"BuffyÉ. You called out to me. I felt that part of me was dying but I didn't think much of it when I got there and saw you. It all stopped when I got to the hospital and didn't think much of it

" I don't understand," I say. Maybe that was what Lorne was trying to explain to us before Cordy started telling me off for clinging on to Angel. We are so close all of a sudden. I reach up to his face and place my open hand on his cheek. I see him close is eyes as he takes in the little warmth my body has to offer under the rain.

"We are each a half of a whole, AngelÉWe are soul mates" I say to him. His eyes snap open at those words and he says to me pushing my hand away.

"You are wrong Buffy. Cordy is my soul mate." I can't help the small whimper that escapes my lips. But I don't let more emotions show.

"How can you say that?" I ask. Doesn't he see the proof, he felt me dying.

"I am sorry, É" He whispered to me as he walked away from me and disappeared in the shadow. I felt nausea overtake my senses; my dream had just come true.

**TBC**


End file.
